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[Bassinkorea]

CATHOLIC PARROTS........................
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
 
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
 
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
 
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
 
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
 
"Thank you," the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."
 
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
 
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
 
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the F*cking beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

[Bassinkorea]

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes  when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel  shame.   Then  I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .   If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.   
Then I say to  myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack  Handy

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell   
happened to your bra and panties.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
"I  feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank  Sinatra

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are  tougher, smarter, faster  and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~  Henny Youngman

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?   I  think not."
~ Stephen Wright   

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to  heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian  O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin  Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without  question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel  does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry   

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a  can!
~ Dave  Howell

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite "woops" without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff  Clavin, of  Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it  went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest  ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of  alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."   

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, "I WILL NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS."   
     
 

[clubber]

Some puns, I love em'!!

Tips for investing those big bucks this year

Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:

Investment tips for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.


3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:MMMGood.


4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.


5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Comput ers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!


And finally .



9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:  Titty Titty Bang Bang

[Bassinkorea]

The REAL Old West....................


A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night. He recognized
an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him
a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
 "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one
thing, you're wearing your gun too high.  Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot.  "Got any more tips for
me?"
"Yep," said the old man.  "Cut a notch out of your holster where
the hammer hits it.  That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew
his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here.  Got
any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the
grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun,
handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing
the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much".

 

[WhereDaBassAt?]

i think i need to print all 60pages of this and bring it to work...great stuff guys its freakin hilarious..

[bassfishing4]

What's green and red and goes 200 mph................................. a bass chasing a frog in a blender.

[bassfishing4]

[Jason Mayer]

Now that if funny about spit my pop all over the screen

[buzzinbass]

thought this was a good one don't know if anyone seen it or not

[WES]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and
hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and
took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet
decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when
we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her
because she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who
wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my V et don't see eye-to-eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with
my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting
room and office were full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side
door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband
arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's "woops" doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved,
so she now smells like a rose. "Oh, and, by the way, I think she's
pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friend, is getting even!

[BIG PAPA]

I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don*t know what to feed it.
*****
I had amnesia once --or twice.
*****
I went to  San Francisco.
I found someone*s heart.
Now what?
*****
Protons have mass?
I didn*t even know they were Catholic.
*****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can*t make me happy.
*****
If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
*****
What is a "free" gift?
Aren*t all gifts free?
*****
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
*****
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home,
and when he grows up,
he*ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
******
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
*****
One nice thing about egotists: they don*t talk about other people.
*****
My weight is perfect for my height --which varies.
*****
I used to be indecisive. Now I*m not sure.
*****
The cost of living hasn*t affected its popularity.
*****
How can there be self-help "groups"?
*****
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
*****
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I*ll show you a man who can*t get his pants off.
*****
Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[clubber]

Two guys are walking through graveyard, looking at dates and names on tombstones, when they come upon one that has written, "Here lies Samuel Jones-a lawyer and a Christian. One scratches his head, and asks the other "Isn't that against the law--burying TWO people in the same grave?"

[bass_101]

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan's." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in
TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and
said, But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

[PiscMonkey]

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan's." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in
TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and
said, But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Gotta luv it up!   

[Bassinkorea]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
 
  When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
 been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness,  feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of  their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three  times a week. Can you do this?"
 
The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

 

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

 

[Bassinkorea]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the Secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" 
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"   
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Church." 
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 200 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money". 
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[mary dean]

Good one BK


VASELINE RESEARCH
>
> A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
> young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
>
> He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
> the product?"
>
> She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
>
> "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
>
> "We use it for "woops"."
>
> The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and
> say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a
gate
> hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for "woops". I
> admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you
> tell me exactly how you use it for "woops"?"
>
> The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
> put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
>
> (AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )

[PiscMonkey]

Mary thats was a good one!!   

[mary dean]

 
Here's another one.

Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement  dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local politician and member  of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a little  speech at the
dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided  to say his own few words
while they waited. "I got my first impression of  the parish from the
first confession I heard here.

I thought I had  been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my  confessional told me he had stolen a television
set and, when questioned by  the police, was able to lie his way out of
it.

He had stolen money  from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had
an affair with his boss's  wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his
sister.

I was appalled.  But as the days went on I learned that my people were
not all like that and  I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good
and loving  people."...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived  full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the  presentation
and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish  priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never  Be Late!

[Bass Mafia]

 

NICE!!!

[Stinky]

This is my favorite thread.

[Bassinkorea]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea
 
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
 
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
 
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
 
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"
 
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
 
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
 
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
 
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
 
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
 
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
 
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
 
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
 
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
 
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.
 
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
 
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
 
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
 
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
 
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........
 
(You're going to love this...)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
(Scroll Down.)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

[clubber]

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

Ah, puns, I love em'!!!!   

[clubber]

Cops Say the Darndest Things!
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

[clubber]

Subject: Royal Honeymoon


On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by her family, when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."