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[scatch1]

jokes are great smiles all around.

[BIG PAPA]

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
 
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said,"You know, I   could  throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." 
 
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100  bills out of the window and make ten people very happy"

Cheney added,"That   being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of
the window and   make a hundred people very happy."
 
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled  his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Shit, I  could throw all of you clowns out of the window and make 56 million people  very happy."

[Bassinkorea]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer - Have you any grounds?
Polish - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer - No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Polish - It made of concrete.

Lawyer - I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Polish - No, we have carport, and not need one I mean.

Lawyer - What are your relations like?
Polish - All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer - Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Polish - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer - Does your wife beat you up?
Polish - No, I always up before her.

Lawyer - Is your wife a nagger?
Polish - No, she white.

Lawyer - Why do you want this divorce?
Polish - She going to kill me.

Lawyer - What makes you think that?
Polish - I got proof.

Lawyer - What kind of proof?
Polish - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[Bassinkorea]

A Priest was about to leave His Mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
 
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy love making.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills both of them!
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? 
The chief replies, "My bike.”

[Bassinkorea]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose, still heavily  sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse comes into his room to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around to check.

Then, she takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
 A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

 

[mary dean]

Two seconds to live.........Scroll down

[Lipripper]

Mary he's going to get it all right     

A big texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good but the smell was wonderful.He asked the waiter,"What is that you just served"
The waiter replied,"Ah senor,you have excellent taste!Those are Cojones de Toro,bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!"
The cowboy said,"What the heck,bring me a order"
The waiter replied,I am so sorry senor.There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.If you come early and place your order,we will be sure to save you this delicacy.
The next morning the cowboy returned,placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said These are delicious,but they are much,much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,Si Senor,Sometimes the bull wins

[sthallin]

Why parents drink



A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon


P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.



                         

[pegleg]

The Difference Between Men and Women
> Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman
> named Martha. He asks her
> out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good
> time. A few nights
> later he asks her out to dinner, and again they
> enjoy themselves. They
> continue to see each other regularly, and after a
> while neither one of them
> is seeing anybody else.
>
> And then, one evening when they're driving home, a
> thought occurs to Martha,
> and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do
> you realize that, as of
> tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
> six months?"
>
> And then, there is silence in the car.
>
> To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She
> thinks to herself: I
> wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe
> he's been feeling confined
> by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to
> push him into some kind
> of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure
> of.
>
> And Fred is thinking: Gos h. Six months.
>
> And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I
> want this kind of
> relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
> more space, so I'd have
> time to think about whether I really want us to keep
> going the way we are,
> moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going?
> Are we just going to
> keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
> Are we heading toward
> marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
> together? Am I ready for that
> level of commitment? Do I really even know this
> person?
>
> And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it
> was...let's see...February when we
> started going out, which was right after I had the
> car at the dealer's,
> which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am
> way overdue for an oil
> change here.
>
> And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on
> his face. Maybe I'm
> reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more
> from our relationship,
> more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed
> - even before I sensed
> it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
> bet that's it. That's why
> he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
> feelings. He's afraid of
> being rejected.
>
> And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look
> at the transmission again
>  I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
> shifting right. And they
> better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
> time. What cold weather?
> It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like
> a garbage truck, and I
> paid those incompetent thieves $600.
>
> And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't
> blame him. I'd be angry, too
>  I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
> can't help the way I feel
>  I'm just not sure.
>
> And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only
> a 90-day warranty..
> scumballs.
>
> And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too
> idealistic, waiting for a knight
> to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
> sitting right next to a
> perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with ,
> a person I truly do
> care about, a person who seems to truly care about
> me. A person who is in
> pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl
> romantic fantasy.
>
> And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a
> warranty? I'll give them a
> warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it
> right up their...
>
> "Fred," Martha says aloud.
>
> "What?" says Fred, startled.
>
> "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says,
> her eyes beginning to
> brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh
> dear, I feel so..."(She
> breaks down, sobbing.)
>
> "What?" says Fred.
>
> "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know
> there's no knight. I really
> know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
> there's no horse."
>
> "There's no horse?" says Fred.
>
> "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
>
> "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct
> answer.
>
> "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time,"
> Martha says. (There is a
> 15-second pause whil e Fred, thinking as fast as he
> can, tries to come up
> with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
> that he thinks might work
> )
>
> "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his
> hand.)
>
> "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
>
> "What way?" says Fred.
>
> "That way about time," says Martha.
>
> "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him
> and gazes deeply into his
> eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what
> she might say next,
> especially if it involves a horse. At last she
> speaks.)
>
> "Thank you, Fred," she says.
>
> "Thank you," says Fred.
>
> Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a
> conflicted, tortured soul
>  and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back
> to his place, he opens a
> bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
> becomes deeply involved in
> a rerun of a college basketball game between two
> South Dakota junior
> colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in
> the far recesses of his
> mind tells him that something major was going on
> back there in the car, but
> he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
> understand what, and so he
> figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
>
> The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or
> perhaps two of them,
> and they will talk about this situation for six
> straight hours. In
> painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she
> said and everything he
> said, going over it time and time again, exploring
> every word, expression,
> and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
> every possible ramification.
>
>
> They will continue to discuss this subject, off and
> on, for weeks, maybe
> months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but
> never getting bored
> with it either.
>
> Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day
> with a mutual friend of
> his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, fr
> own, and say: "Norm,
> did Martha ever own a horse?"
>
> And that's the difference between men and women.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Bassinkorea]

THE POPE AND HIS DRIVER

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"   
 
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.  (Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.  "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.   

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and  gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the  cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

 
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."   
 

[Bassinkorea]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added:
"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from, son?"

"Alabama, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Alabama?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but "woops" and football players there."
"Really?" said the manager.

"My wife is from Alabama."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Bassinkorea]

SUMBICH


A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. 
He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. 

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere, both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.

How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks, I don't want it,"  answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.  How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"

[weirdlittleman]

 


One night , after the couple had retired for
the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned
to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over
to  his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

[clubber]

Subject: Why we love children
> >
> > 1) NUDITY
> >
> >
> > I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
> > when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
> > She was stark
> > naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
> > shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat
> > belt!'
> >
> >
> > 2) OPINIONS
> >
> > On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
> > note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by
> > this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
> >
> > 3) KETCHUP
> >
> > A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
> > During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
> > daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to
> > talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
> >
> > 4) MORE NUDITY
> >
> > A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
> > locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
> > ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy
> > watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't
> > you ever seen a little boy before?'
> >
> > 5) POLICE #1
> >
> > While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
> > was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
> > down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered
> > and continued writing the report.
> > 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
> > that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
> > 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would
> > you please tie my shoe?'
> >
> > 6) POLICE #2
> >
> > It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of
> > the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
> > barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you
> > got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the
> > boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
> > said, 'What'd he do?'
> >
> > 7) ELDERLY
> >
> > While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
> > shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
> > rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
> > old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.One day I
> > found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As
> > I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
> > turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
> >
> > DRESS-UP
> >
> > A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
> > When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
> > shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that
> > it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
> >
> > 9) DEATH
> >
> > While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
> > minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
> > wilt. Apparently,his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
> > dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
> > had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
> > made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was
> > chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity
> > intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
> > 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Son, and into the hole
> > he goes.'
> >
> > 10) SCHOOL
> >
> > A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
> > 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read,
> > I can't write and they won't let me talk!'
> >
> > 11) BIBLE
> >
> > A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
> > fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
> > Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was
> > an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look
> > what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
> > With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think
> > it's Adam's underwear.'

[Dug]

Great post Clubber!!

Dug

[BIG PAPA]

The year is 1850
Do you know what happened in California~this week~back in 1850~157 years
ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
                                                              So
basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real
breasts and the men didn't hold hands

[Fish_myster]

good one papa 
 

[Bassinkorea]

Teeth Down There

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of
the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little
boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son
sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she
shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy
quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get
bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have
teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night,
while her parents are out of town, she invites him over.After an hour of
making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a
little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?"
she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down
there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."  With that, she
pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says.. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth
down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her
legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there.."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[Bassinkorea]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront him about his missing $10 million, the bookkeeper brings along his attorney,  who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin  Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[super ron]

Teeth down there

That was just wrong.

[scatch1]

all good. believe it or not,one day i read every joke.keep them coming. a smile or laugh is priceless. life is too short.

[Bassinkorea]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. 
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99


Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:....! . The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**it artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of sea-men.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Bassinkorea]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[clubber]

Mothers showing pictures of their sons.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21.
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Bass Mafia]

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "I think he's having a baby!"

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said
accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced."We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does t o me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just . .. .

Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me."Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie : Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs