Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[AJ]

hmmm my siggy looks awful big or it just me???

[mary dean]

ho_shi... . I think it's you big boy!

[mary dean]

Two  old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it  starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts
off the
end, puts  it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.



Maude:  What in the hell is that?



Mabel:  A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.



Maude:  Where did you get it?



Mabel:  You can get them at any drugstore.



The  next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the  pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.



The  pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after  all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she  prefers.



"Doesn't  matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."



The  pharmacist fainted.

[Fish_myster]

 
 i'd faint too

[GRAPEAPE]

That's a good one Mary

[Bassinkorea]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his
evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he
came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there
in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we
bought a used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're
just waiting.

[AJ]

ho_shi... . I think it's you big boy!

aww shucks flattery get you nowhere but keep talking

when i changed siggy it was too big had to dwnsze it didnt want kal or mother on my 

[clubber]

HOW TO DRIVE IN FLORIDA
1. You must first learn to pronounce the name, it is: "FLAAAAARIDA".
 
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 AM to noon.  The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 PM.    Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
 
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph.  On I-95 your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is grounds to run you off the road while giving you the finger.
 
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.  The rules are different here!  Florida has its own version of traffic rules.  For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.  However, SUV cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
 
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
 
6. Never honk at anyone!  Ever!!  Seriously!!!  It's another offense that can get you shot!!!!
 
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Florida.  Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
 
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.
 
11. Merge means race like a madman and cut the person in line off or better yet ---run them off the road.
 
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
 
13. If you are going to yell anything out the window, make sure it is in Spanish!

[Fish_myster]

  not too different than CA  or TX! 

[Bassinkorea]

not too different than CA  or TX! 

and Korea.......especially number 5 

[clubber]

 Let's Hear it for the Scottish

 

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the

entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.  Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,once every few seconds.   Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the

microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

 

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. . ...

 

"Well, f###in stop doin it then, ya evil basturd !"

[Fish_myster]

 

[AJ]

Remember I work for the city wastewater plant


Know why women are supposed to wear panties??








Federal law states all manholes need to be covered when not in use!!!!!



   omg i  kill my self sometimes  lol

[Fish_myster]

 

[PiscMonkey]

Remember I work for the city wastewater plant


Know why women are supposed to wear panties??








Federal law states all manholes need to be covered when not in use!!!!!



   omg i  kill my self sometimes  lol

Well you kill us with laughter sometimes!     

[docav]

here is one i got from my mom. doug

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in.


They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.


An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --
why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill
it up
again?"


The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But
today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[AJ]

so true so true

[Bass Mafia]

 

She was Soooooooooooo Blonde....

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she wrote "Hooked On Phonics."
* She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
* It took her two hours to watch '60 Minutes'.


She was Soooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.


She was SoooooooooooooooooooooooooBlonde...

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND...One of my favorites....:

She was Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She thought Taco Bell was the Mexican telephone company...

[PiscMonkey]

Dont ya just love us blondes?      

[Bass Mafia]

Yes I do actually.   

[PiscMonkey]

Yes I do actually.   

You     you! 

[clubber]

 KIDS IN CHURCH

 3-year-old Reese:
 "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A little boy was overheard praying:
 "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied,  "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 One particular four-year-old prayed,  "And forgive us our trash baskets
 as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,  "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  One bright little girl replied,  "Because people are sleeping."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,  "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
 ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A father was at the beach with his children  when the four-year-old son ran up to him,  grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.  "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old
daughter and said,  "Would you like to say the blessing?"  "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.  "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
 The daughter bowed her head and said,  "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[clubber]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high
and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on
the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's'
a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No chit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch
Pianist?!"

[PiscMonkey]

 

[-Shawn-]