Topic: Laughter is the Best Medicine (Mature Content Possible) (Read 62629 times)

BIG PAPA · « **Reply #1325 on:** September 18, 2007, 03:07:38 PM »

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
>
> The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the?body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black
suit he is already wearing.
>
> The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his?best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives
the?Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
>
>
> The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
> ?
> She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied.?You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?"
>
> To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check. "There's no charge," she says.
>
> "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.
>
> "Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
>
> "So I just switched the heads."

MChapman · « **Reply #1326 on:** September 18, 2007, 05:21:41 PM »

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER
BE THERE!!"
The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out
to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

Bass Mafia · « **Reply #1327 on:** September 19, 2007, 07:15:51 AM »

pretjah · « **Reply #1328 on:** September 19, 2007, 07:24:57 AM »

Quote from: MChapman on September 18, 2007, 05:21:41 PM

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER
BE THERE!!"
The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out
to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

OHHH MY GOODNESSSSS that is one of the funniest things i've rea in a very very very long time!!!!

Bass Mafia · « **Reply #1329 on:** September 19, 2007, 07:55:24 AM »

Quote from: pretjah on September 19, 2007, 07:24:57 AM

OHHH MY GOODNESSSSS that is one of the funniest things i've read in a very very very long time!!!!

Me too... here's what Rick looked like, before he went missing:

Fish_myster · « **Reply #1330 on:** September 19, 2007, 08:42:17 AM »

that was funny there.....wait till i use that one on the wife

-Shawn- · « **Reply #1331 on:** September 19, 2007, 08:45:33 AM »

Skeeter180 · « **Reply #1332 on:** September 19, 2007, 09:17:32 AM »

That is funny right there!! My anniversary was yesterday.

MChapman · « **Reply #1333 on:** September 19, 2007, 09:32:59 AM »

A woman hires a renovation contractor to install a new wall in her house.
Upon completion, the contractor asks for the bill to be paid. " Okay, that will be $1,000 cash, as ageed".

The woman, chagrined and embarrased, says she really cannot afford it as several expenses had unexpectedly popped up.

"Look lady", says the contractor, " I likes ya, but I don't work fer free - pay me my $1,000 or I'll have to remove the partition.

Looking at the contractor demurely, she turns on her charm, " well, how about I offer you something else ya big stud, something even better... like me?"

The contractor considers her for a moment, and then shrugs and says, "sure".

Off to the sack they go. Twenty-five Kama Sutra positions later, the contractor casually rolls her over onto her back and inserts his index finger in her butt, and his thumb in her Gazaz, massaging gently.

"Ooooh", she moans.. " that feels soooo good!"

The contractor then leans close to her ear and whispers: " okay, now .... pay me my $1,000, or I'll remove the partition."

BIG PAPA · « **Reply #1334 on:** September 19, 2007, 02:44:46 PM »

Bobbitt Family Update
Â

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ....
?

Â

?

Â

?

Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â ?

?

A Misdewiener!

Swede · « **Reply #1335 on:** September 19, 2007, 11:06:56 PM »

CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT!

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

still learnin · « **Reply #1336 on:** September 19, 2007, 11:22:44 PM »

Not a bad idea

pretjah · « **Reply #1337 on:** September 20, 2007, 08:02:09 AM »

Quote from: Swede on September 19, 2007, 11:06:56 PM

CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT!

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

AMEN!!!!!
lol editted not the place for political talk!!! lol

imp81318 · « **Reply #1338 on:** September 20, 2007, 12:36:06 PM »

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a

.........

Lipripper · « **Reply #1339 on:** September 20, 2007, 02:24:41 PM »

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he
tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop, right on his twitchylittle
nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip
over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right,"replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind ofanimal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a
dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
" The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine
him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of
an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls ...You must be a politician.....

Lipripper · « **Reply #1340 on:** September 20, 2007, 02:27:48 PM »

A south Alabama farmer dies and, being a heathen, goes to Hell. When
he gets there it's 95* with 90% humidity, but Satan notices he's kicked
back on the brimstone relaxing comfortably.
He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?" The
farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm Spring day in south 'Bama.
I like it."
Angry, Satan turns up the thermostat until it's 100* and 95%
humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the
farm. Not bad at all."
Furious, Satan turns it up to 105* and 99% humidity. Everyone is
even more miserable, except the south Alabama farmer still laying there resting. "Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay. Feels good. The hotter the better."
In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25*F.
Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere.
Satan smirks, watching the farmer.
The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment,
suddenly jumps up, looks around everywhere and begins to laugh...
"AUBURN MUST HAVE WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP”!!!

PiscMonkey · « **Reply #1341 on:** September 20, 2007, 03:14:10 PM »

Quote from: imp81318 on September 20, 2007, 12:36:06 PM

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a .........

PiscMonkey · « **Reply #1342 on:** September 20, 2007, 03:15:25 PM »

Quote from: Lipripper on September 20, 2007, 02:24:41 PM

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he
tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop, right on his twitchylittle
nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip
over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right,"replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind ofanimal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a
dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
" The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine
him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of
an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls ...You must be a politician.....

clubber · « **Reply #1343 on:** September 22, 2007, 12:39:33 AM »

STAY!!!!
>
>I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center
>and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had
>fresh air.
>
>
>
>She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon
>her that she must remain there! I walked to the curb backward,
>pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do
>you hear me?"
>"Stay! Stay!"
>
>The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange
>look and said,
>
>
>
>"Why don't you just put it in park?"

Kal-Kevin · « **Reply #1344 on:** September 22, 2007, 06:40:55 AM »

This thread is now closed, and new thread has been started so please stop by there and post some new joke for us to read.

Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible)

Kal

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Author Topic: Laughter is the Best Medicine (Mature Content Possible) (Read 62629 times)