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[Jared LeBlue]

"That's me before the surgery."

I think a jury would find me innocent on a murder trial.

[BIG PAPA]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6 The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding
underwater
                                                                 See?.....You're
smiling already.

[nlareau]

I think a jury would find me innocent on a murder trial.

I would.

[clubber]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as
>chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
>Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
>coffee and to talk shop.
>
>One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
>really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
>One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
>would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
>attempt to convert it.
>
>Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
>
>Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
>various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the
>woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him
>from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and
>began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
>sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a
>lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
>and
>confirmation."
>
>Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
>and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
>brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we
>don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
>to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
>nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
>wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
>until we came to a creek. So
>I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
>said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day
>praising Jesus."
>
>They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
>He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running
>in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
>
>The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
>not have been the best way to start."

[BIG PAPA]

Tax Audit --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a
synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the
Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his
obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do
you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, " we actually collect the crumbs,
then we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and, every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the
Internal Revenue Service."

"The Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Internal Revenue Service. And about
once a year, they send us a little "woops" like you."

[BIG PAPA]

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WHO WAVES AT HIM
AND SAYS HELLO . HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE
WHERE HE KNOWS HER.
SO HE SAYS, "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES, "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS...
"ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I HAD ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY BUTT WITH WET CELERY?"
SUDDENLY, LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

[BIG PAPA]

Oil Change instructions 5:57 PM 5/10/2006  Reply  Edit 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00
=====================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00

Total -- $4,145.00

[clubber]

Dr. Smiths remedy

>A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
> breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your
> chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
> She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew
> terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus
> and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
> Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
> little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus
> closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
> boobies."
> A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of
> Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer,
> winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[BIG PAPA]

Two guys out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and
Nascar:
All of a sudden guy #1 says "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she
hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months.

" Guy #2 sips his beer and says" you better think it over - women like
that are hard to find."

[BIG PAPA]

Black Boxes 6:59 AM 5/12/2006  Reply  Edit 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Black Boxes
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly"
funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the
past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing b
black box voice recorders in pickup trucks and SUVs in an
effort to determine in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the
crash....
They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of
fatal crashes were:
"Oh S**t!"
Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas,
Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the
final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

[Team KaRu]

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Ron Fogelson]

Brain CRAMPS



Question: If you  could live forever, would you and Why?

Answer: "I would not live forever,  because we should not

live forever, because if we were supposed to live  forever,

then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,

which  is why I would not live forever,"

  --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA  contest< /SPAN>

(On  September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America  1995.)

``````````````````````````````````



"Whenever  I watch TV and see those poor starving kids

all over the world, I can't  help but cry. I mean I'd love

to be skinny like that, but not with all  those flies and

death and stuff."

Mariah  Carey

```````````` 



"Smoking  kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your  life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an  interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking  campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````



"I've  never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky  basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````



"Outside  of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington,  DC.< FONT f ace=Verdana color=black size=2>

`````````````````````````````



"I'm  not going to have some reporters pawing through

our papers. We are the  president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release  of

subpoenaed  documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````



"That  lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death

by a jackass, and I'm just  the one to do it,"

--A congressional  candidate in  Texas.

````````````````````````````



"Half  this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny  Ozark

``````````````````````````````````



"It  isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's

the impurities in our  air and water that are doing it."

"We are  ready for an unforeseen event that

may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice  President   

```````````````````



"I  love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan  Quayle

``````````   



"We've  got to pause and ask ourselves: How much  clean  air do we need?"

--Lee  Iacocca

```````````   



"The  word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A

genius is a guy like Norman  Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL  football quarterback & sports  analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````



"We  don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude

certain types of  people."   

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC  Instrutor.

`````````````````````````````````



"If  we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton,  President

``````````````````



"Traditionally,  most of Australia's imports come

from overseas."

--Keppel  Enderbery

````````````````



"Your  food stamps will be stopped effective

March 1992 because we received notice  that

you passed away. May God bless you. You may

reapply if there is a  change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville,  South  Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````



"If  somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go  to  bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC  Chairman

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,   

Feeling  smarter yet?

[BIG PAPA]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right "flippin" number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an (edit)!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '(edit)' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I'm paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an (edit)!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "(edit) calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an (edit)!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after c alling the first (edit) (I
had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW (edit), too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I
asked."

Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an (edit)!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two (edit) to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called (edit) #1.

"Hello." "You're an (edit)!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he sc r eamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"(edit), I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, (edit)," and hung up.

Then I called (edit) #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, (edit)," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, (edit), here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two (edit) beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

[Anger management really works...]

[weirdlittleman]

> 
>
> > Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
> their new wives duties.
> >
> > The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he
> had told  his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
> that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but
> on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
> washed and put away.
> >
> > The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he
> had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes,
> and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any
> results, but
> the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
> dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
> >
> > The third man had married a Michigan girl. He boasted that he told her
> that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
> mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
> said the first  day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
> anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
> could see a little out of his left eye--enough to fix himself a bite to
> eat, load the
> > dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
> >
> > Got to love them Michigan girls!

[clubber]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
> playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
>house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are
>sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
>
>She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
>called sexual intercourse, darling."
>
>Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play
>with the other kids.
>
>A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
>not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "and Jimmy's Mom
>wants to talk to you"!!

[BIG PAPA]

 
 

 
Top Eleven Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That
Darn
Gay Cowboy Movie
----------------------------------------------
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

[bassmaster350]

I hate them badly for makin that movie

[BIG PAPA]

Haircut 4:16 PM 5/12/2006  Reply  Edit 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."


The guy left.


A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"


The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."


The guy left.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"


The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."


The guy left.


The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."


A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"


Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

[Team KaRu]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
 
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
 
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
 
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
 
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
 
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
 
"MY ROLEX!!!!"

[clubber]

When Osama bin Laden died,
George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.  He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" 
 
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!" 

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" 

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." 

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader. 

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me." 

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

[BIG PAPA]

>>SKINNY DIPPING
>>An elderly man in East Texas had owned a large farm for several years.
>>He
>>had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
>>he
>>fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
>>and
>>peach trees.
>>
>>One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
>>been
>>there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
>>to
>>bring back some fruit.
>>
>>
>>As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
>>glee.
>>
>>As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
>>in his
>>pond.
>>
>>He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
>>end.
>>One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
>>until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
>>watch you
>>ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
>>
>>Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>>
>>Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
>>

[Swede]

Sounds like something my Grandfather would have done

[crawchuck]

 

[sweetbass]

Good one 
Thought you all might like this. Not really a joke, but did not want to start another thread for just that.



Ain't that the truth 

[Team KaRu]

Subject: A moral tale:
 

Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to
animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many
charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?
He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is
not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss
him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power
to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before
long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg
of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm
seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm
and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a
hole in it.

The blonde doesn't."