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[BIG PAPA]

Sunday's sermon was---Forgive Your Enemies.
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady. "Mrs. Jones?"; Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years ¬ have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:"I outlived the bitches."

[clubber]

Deep Thought of the Day

Some people are like slinkies,

They don't really have a purpose,

But they still bring a smile to your face

when you push them down the stairs.

[BIG PAPA]

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing
>>>>>home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies lying naked on
>>>>>the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued
>>>>>on my way to the store.
>>>>>
>>>>>On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the
>>>>>same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my
>>>>>curiosity got the better of me, and I went inside to talk to
>>>>>the manager.
>>>>>
>>>>>"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front
>>>>>lawn?"
>>>>>
>>>>>"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having
>>>>>a yard sale."

[Team KaRu]

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO! MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health. 
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1.  The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2.  The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3.  The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4.  The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5.  The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. 
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[BIG PAPA]

The IRS decides to audit Leroy, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Leroy shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
 
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Leroy. "How about a
demonstration?"
 
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay.  Go ahead."
 
Leroy says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.
 
"The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
 
Leroy removes his glass eye and bites it.
 
The auditor's jaw drops.
 
Leroy  says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye."
 
The auditor can tell Leroy isn't blind so he takes the bet.
 
Leroy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Leroy's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.
 
"Want to go double or nothing?" Leroy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars
that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
 
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
Leroy stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't  make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
 
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a
huge win.  But Leroy's  attorney moans and puts his head in  his hands.
 
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
 
"Not really," says the attorney.  "This morning, when Leroy  told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come
in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
 
 

[BIG PAPA]

 Sad Story 9:50 PM 4/29/2006  Reply  Edit 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fisherman had two sons, whom he named Towards and Away. When they grew, he took them to sea to learn his craft. Years passed without their return. But one day, the fisherman's grieving wife saw her husband approaching. "Where are my darling boys?" she cried. Her husband told a horrible story. Towards had hooked a mighty fish, he said. After a long battle, Towards had been pulled overboard and swallowed by the fish. "What a terrible fish!" his wife cried. "Yes," said the fisherman, "but you should have seen the one that got Away!"

[Team KaRu]

Subject: Fluctuations


 
An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yen
and walked out with $72.
 
The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but only
received $66. He asked the teller why he received less money than
the previous week.
 
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
 
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,
turned around and said,
 
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

[BIG PAPA]

Fluc you Americans too!!!
Good one
papa

[BIG PAPA]

   A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
his

wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address,
and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's
son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send email s to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[BIG PAPA]

 
 

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
and find out."

He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
and I've got blue ones."

 



SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
 

[BIG PAPA]

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008


Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. 


For those of you who would like another choice for President: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special lady who has all the answers to our problems.

PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....

 
MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

                     
   
          Very eloquently put............don't you think?


Maxine on "Driver Safety"  "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Housework"   "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care"  "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man"   "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution"  "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging"  "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

                                       

                   

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

                       

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals .

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?  (Now that's scary!)

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.

[stevebro6510]

here are a few linkys to some funny stuff

http://timetraveler.ytmnd.com/

the second one is a remix from an old videogame.

[BIG PAPA]

 THE LAST ONE
>
> RETIRED HUSBAND AT WAL-MART
>
> Dear Mrs. Fenton:
>
> Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill
> Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our
> store.  We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
> have considered banning the entire family from
> shopping in any of our stores.
>
> We have documented all incidents on our video
> surveillance equipment.  Three of our clerks are
> attending counseling from the trouble your husband has
> caused.
>
> All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled
> and are listed below:
>
> MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton
>
> Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his
> spouse was shopping in our store:
>
> 1.  June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
> put them in people's carts when they weren't  looking.
>
> 2.  July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
> go off at 5 minute intervals.
>
> 3.  July 7:  Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
> leading to the restrooms.
>
> 4.  July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in
> an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and
> watched what happened.
>
> 5.  August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and asked to
> put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
>
> 6.  September 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
> to a carpeted area.
>
> 7.  September 15:  Set up a tent in the camping
> department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
> if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
>
> 8.  September 23:  When a clerk asks if they can help
> him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
> just leave me alone?'
>
> 9.  October 4:  Looked right into the security camera;
> used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
>
> 10.  November 10:  While handling guns in the hunting
> department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
> antidepressants are.
>
> 11.  December 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously
> loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
>
> 12.  December 6:  In the auto department, practiced
> his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
>
> 13.  December 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when
> people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
>
> 14.  December 21:  When an announcement came over the
> loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
> screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
>
> And; last, but not least!
>
> 15.  December 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the
> door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly,
> "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[BIG PAPA]

Laws Of The Natural Universe
 
 
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
 
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
 
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
 
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
 
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
 
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
 
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
 
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
 
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
 
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
 
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
 
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
 
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
 
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[BIG PAPA]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid." 

[nlareau]

OK, this is my first attempt at a joke, hope this doesn't cross the line...

Older man goes to the doctor and gets his physical. 

Doctor: "What medications are you taking?" 

Older Man: "Heart pill, vitamins, and half a Viagra every day".

Doctor: "Half a Viagra?  You know if you are having problems in that department, I can get you something that works better."

Older man: "Nope, half a Viagra works fine."

Doctor: "That low a dose can't possibly help your sexual performance."

Older man:  "Romance?  Heck no, I'm just trying not to pee on my shoes!"

[BIG PAPA]

NOW WHERE CAN I GET ME SOME VIAGRA
PAPA

[Team KaRu]

NLaureau no longer a joke virgin!

[clubber]

Subject: Career Change--------

     A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.   He found a local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
     When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there is an error which needs adjusting."
     The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
     Then he added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
 

[Team KaRu]

A blonde walks into a bank in Chicago and asks for the loan officer. She   
 says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow
 $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
 the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.         
                                                                           
 The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title   
 and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
 for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
 at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000   
 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the   
 bank's underground garage and parks it there.                             
 Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
 which comes to $18.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to 
 have had your business and this transaction has worked out very well, but 
 we are a little puzzled."                                                 
                                                                           
 "While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a         
 multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow       
 $5,000?"                                                                   
                                                                           
 The blonde replies, "Where else in Chicago can I park my car for three     
 weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"           
                                                                           
 Finally... a SMART blonde joke

[Swede]

Subject: Career Change--------

     A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.   He found a local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
     When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there is an error which needs adjusting."
     The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
     Then he added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
 

 

[BIG PAPA]

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[Kal-Kevin]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.
   
...Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
   
...The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.
   
...The rest of the world is in shock.
   
...Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
   
...Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
   
...Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
   
...The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
   
...The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
   
    GOD BLESS AMERICA!

[BIG PAPA]

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
   
    GOD BLESS AMERICA!

[Team KaRu]

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND

 After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed, he begins to worry.

 "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

 "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 "That's me before the surgery."