Laughter is the Best Medicine (Mature Content Possible)

[Bassinkorea]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!..

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!
"Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight".
He didn't seem angry at all. Whew!
Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock"
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. F#%*.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[clubber]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day...

While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."

Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"

[Bassinkorea]

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Garden City.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping.
Simply going out to get some bits and pieces has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start making love with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral *** on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on May; 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Please pass this message on to all the men you know to warn them about this......

[clubber]

True Story?? Who Knows??






When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo Elder
and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The
Elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: What are these guys in the big
suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the Moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo Elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to
deliver to the Moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling
to get a tape recorder.

Navajo Elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what hi s father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate.  So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby
Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too
laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the Elder's
message to the Moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped
laughing, the translator relayed the message the Elder wanted sent to
the Moon:


"WATCH OUT FOR THESE B*****DS. . .THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR
LAND."

[bassfishing4]

To funny BK..............

[nlareau]

Yup, that's a good 'un. 

[Bassinkorea]

The Preacher is Leaving


The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him "woops"."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......

"Screw the preacher!"

[clubber]

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch
 doctor of the tribe,"Papa, why is it that we always have long names,
 while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"


 His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol,a sign,
 or a
 poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and
 repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of  our
 makeup that, in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your
 sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she
 was
 born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's  your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day
 that
 the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world
 appeared
 near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life    force of
 our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any
 other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

[PiscMonkey]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!..

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!
"Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight".
He didn't seem angry at all. Whew!
Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock"
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. F#%*.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

hehe! BK  I  do luv this one!!   

[clubber]

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US, but recently more women have entered the field.

A man goes to a female urologist who has excellent Medical credentials, but
is also drop dead gorgeous, for an exam. The female doctor says, "I am going
to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different
from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,
bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and
say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "Ninety-nine!!!"

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and,
again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "Ninety-nine."

The doctor said, "Very y good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with
your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this
hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold onto your penis. Now take a
deep breath and say 99."

The guy says, "One........... two............... three............."

[BIG PAPA]

The Preacher is Leaving


The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him "woops"."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......

"Screw the preacher!"

That is a good one, I spit coffee all over my screen,
papa

[weirdlittleman]

Trying to Take It With You

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."


 

[WES]

The guy says, "One........... two............... three............."

[clubber]

TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES
 

#10 -- Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
 
#9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
 
#8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
 Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
 
#6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
distracting."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
 
#4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
 
#2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago"
 
And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....
 
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It has been a long time since we teed off,sir."

[Fendercaster]

At the end of the school year a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her class. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is; Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "but, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher replied.

The next student was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is; A box of sweets." "That's right said the little girl, but how did you know?" "Oh, I've been around for many years," said the teacher proudly.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held he package, but it was leaking so she grabbed a drop off the leaking contents with her finger and put it on her tongue for a taste test. "Is it wine?" the teacher asked. "NOPE," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leaking package. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "NO MAM," he replied, with even more excitement!

The teacher with all her knowledge finally took one more big taste before admitting, "I give up. What is it?"

With a giant grin the boy replied, “SURPRISE, It's a puppy!"

[Bassinkorea]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver doors that could move apart and then slide back together again.
 
The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"
 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The doors closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the doors light up sequentially.
 
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
 
Then the doors opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
 
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
 
"Boy........ Go gitcha Momma......."

[Fogy]

Golf Balls
>
>
> > A man entered the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
> > balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it...) blonde.
> >
> > The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.  Finally,
> > after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
> >
> > Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
> > thinking about what he had said.  After several minutes, not being able to
> > contain her
> > curiosity any longer, she asked.....
> >
> > "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow???"

[-Shawn-]

 

[clubber]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they
> could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
veterinarian and
> told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more
children.
>
> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could
> fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative,"
> said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are
legal in
> Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your
ear and
> count to 10."
>
> The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the
> shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear is
> going to help me."
>
> "Trust me," said the doctor.
>
> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held
> the can up to his ear and began to count. . . .
>
> "1"
>
> "2"
>
> "3"
>
> "4"
>
> "5"
>
> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed
> counting on his other hand.
>
> This procedure also works in Tennessee , Georgia , Kentucky ,
Arkansas ,
> Mississippi and West Virginia .

[clubber]

PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN
--------------------------

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a
year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be American., DOESN'T IT?