Topic: Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible) (Read 20138 times)

nlareau · « **Reply #100 on:** November 21, 2007, 10:58:54 AM »

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1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by! Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six ours and now I'm running out of places to put It!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion She answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar MeyerWiener'!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

K-Dub · « **Reply #101 on:** November 21, 2007, 04:22:54 PM »

Everything Men Know About Women

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:

Everything Men Know About Women

End of Report
U.S. Attorney General's Office

BIG PAPA · « **Reply #102 on:** November 21, 2007, 10:54:53 PM »

http://www.dumbilla.com/content/22641.html

Bassinkorea · « **Reply #103 on:** November 22, 2007, 10:03:54 PM »

A letter to god

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £5 missing. I think it was those c**ts at the Post Office.

Edna

BIG PAPA · « **Reply #104 on:** November 22, 2007, 10:32:27 PM »

For the Bush fans

http://www.dumbilla.com/files/picture/31956910.jpg

I'm sorry I just could not help myself

VERY MATURE CONTENT YOU WERE WARNED

clubber · « **Reply #105 on:** November 28, 2007, 11:18:46 PM »

My name is clubber, and I am a Clinton hater.

The Pope & Hillary

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, 'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?'

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. 'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.'

So the Pope slapped her.

clubber · « **Reply #106 on:** November 30, 2007, 12:44:58 PM »

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said,"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!

Bassinkorea · « **Reply #107 on:** November 30, 2007, 06:17:25 PM »

Recent Story from Houston Medical Center;

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoho.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoho while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoho.

3) Or finding out your hoho fits through your wedding ring.

Team KaRu · « **Reply #108 on:** December 01, 2007, 08:18:50 PM »

Alcohol Abuse
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.

BassHunter69 · « **Reply #109 on:** December 01, 2007, 09:58:55 PM »

Rudy

Team KaRu · « **Reply #110 on:** December 01, 2007, 10:14:19 PM »

Adult humor
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A Woman working for this company in Montana walks up the her HR Mgr. and says she feels like she is being sexually harassed on the job. She says to the HR Mgr. "This person keeps coming up to me and and leans over and takes a deep breath through his nose and says that my hair smells beautiful and he keeps doing it everytime he sees me... again and again.... The HR Mgr. says that she will talk with him about this but it actually it doesn't sound sexual in nature to her... The Woman, appalled, looks at the HR Mgr with amazement and says "But he's a midget".

Kal-Kevin · « **Reply #111 on:** December 01, 2007, 10:15:34 PM »

Well do not post it here Rudy I would hate to have to stop reading too!

Kal

clubber · « **Reply #112 on:** December 02, 2007, 01:25:29 PM »

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this letter - Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastage who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Bassinkorea · « **Reply #113 on:** December 02, 2007, 06:01:07 PM »

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the heII was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".

Bassinkorea · « **Reply #114 on:** December 04, 2007, 12:41:19 AM »

The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

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(Wait for it)

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(It's coming)

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(Ya ready?)

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(Don't hate me)

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(Ya gonna hate me)

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(Take a deep breath)

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*

'He should've quit while he was a head !'

Team KaRu · « **Reply #115 on:** December 04, 2007, 12:48:18 AM »

Quote from: Bassinkorea on December 02, 2007, 06:01:07 PM

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heII was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called".

Damn, I thought I waas the only one bedding, I mean betting that horse.

clubber · « **Reply #116 on:** December 04, 2007, 01:10:02 AM »

This is why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had called in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'HELLO'

'Is your daddy home'? he asked

'YES' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk to him'

The child whispered 'NO'

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult the boss asked, 'Is your mommy there?'

'YES'

'May I talk to her?'

Again the small voice whispered 'NO'

Hoping there was somebody there with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is there anybody else there?'

'YES' whispered the child 'A POLICEMAN'

Wondering what a cop was doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'

'NO, HE'S BUSY' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'TALKING TO MY DADDY AND MOMMY AND THE FIREMAN' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the telephone, the boss asked, 'What's that noise?'

'A HELICOPTER' answered the whispering voice.

'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, 'THE SEARCH TEAM JUST LANDED A HELICOPTER'

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, 'ME'

sctamadrummer · « **Reply #117 on:** December 04, 2007, 08:31:18 AM »

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

That's funny, I don't care who you are

Mike

Team KaRu · « **Reply #118 on:** December 04, 2007, 12:41:41 PM »

(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Frank

Wildcat26 · « **Reply #119 on:** December 04, 2007, 01:52:43 PM »

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The Frenchwoman just sniffed and said to no one in particular Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only leat left was under the dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired".
She snorted, Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" this time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting near by spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the rode. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

clubber · « **Reply #120 on:** December 04, 2007, 02:18:57 PM »

Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability'

PiscMonkey · « **Reply #121 on:** December 04, 2007, 05:18:16 PM »

Quote from: clubber on December 04, 2007, 01:10:02 AM

This is why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had called in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'HELLO'

'Is your daddy home'? he asked

'YES' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk to him'

The child whispered 'NO'

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult the boss asked, 'Is your mommy there?'

'YES'

'May I talk to her?'

Again the small voice whispered 'NO'

Hoping there was somebody there with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is there anybody else there?'

'YES' whispered the child 'A POLICEMAN'

Wondering what a cop was doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'

'NO, HE'S BUSY' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'TALKING TO MY DADDY AND MOMMY AND THE FIREMAN' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the telephone, the boss asked, 'What's that noise?'

'A HELICOPTER' answered the whispering voice.

'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, 'THE SEARCH TEAM JUST LANDED A HELICOPTER'

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, 'ME'

Too funny! clubber I love it.

clubber · « **Reply #122 on:** December 05, 2007, 04:15:26 PM »

*The silent fart*

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway
through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a
silent fart what do you think I should do?'

He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

clubber · « **Reply #123 on:** December 06, 2007, 12:12:40 AM »

Please Pass This On!

I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my e-mail, But this one is too important . This one has been circulating for months and months. Please do not delete . if you don't want to sign, at least keep it going!

To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.
1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.

clubber · « **Reply #124 on:** December 10, 2007, 01:30:40 AM »

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten "B***h," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

News:

Author Topic: Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible) (Read 20138 times)