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[Kal-Kevin]

Laughter is the Best Medicine (Mature Content Possible) has been cut off and started as a new thread. If you would like to read some of the old jokes we had posted please click on this link.

Laughter is the Best Medicine (Mature Content Possible)

Feel free to post new ones in this thread!

Kal

[clubber]

STORY OF ELIJAH





The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now", said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"




A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"


LOT'S WIFE


The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"


GOOD SAMARITAN


A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH?


A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"


"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"


HIGHER POW ER


A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"


MOSES &THE RED SEA


Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never


believe it!"


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD


A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the


Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.


When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."


Church Smiles


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.


Humor


While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.


Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''


church lesson


Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,


Give me the grace to see a joke,


To get some humor out of life,


 And pass it on to other folk!

[AJ]

got new thread now ok

[clubber]

Las Vegas Churches








� THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.


SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.


THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
�
�
�
�


� THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!.��




YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU .? GOTCHA !!

[Bassinkorea]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered,"Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars", and then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from
that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars? The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother! and ! asked,"Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're living
with two sluts and a queer".



 

[Bassinkorea]

'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go in to the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane....'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.  I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it to night.'

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go in to the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army.'

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt.

[Bass Mafia]

    both awesome BK. Thanks for the chuckle.

[Bass Mafia]

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

[Bass Mafia]

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of graphite that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

[George Welcome]

Molly to her friend Susie: My husband gets extremely smart when we are having "woops".

Why is that said Susie,

Because, Molly said, at that time he is plugged into a genius.

[Bassinkorea]

A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game.
The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
 
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
 
This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
 
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
 
Now, it's the Cajun's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
 
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500. The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
 
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Cajun up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?"
 
The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[clubber]

Great Recipe!
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing - imagine that!! I thought it was perfect for people, like me,
who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but
not dried out.

Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
____
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in
baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for
the popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook.

[Bassinkorea]

DOC STORIES

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[Bassinkorea]

People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

[Bassinkorea]

The power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*

(Wait for it)

*

*

*

(It's coming)

*

*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)

*

*

*

(Ya gonna hate me)

*

*

*

(Take a deep breath)

*

*

*

"He should've quit while he was a head!"

 

[clubber]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[Kal-Kevin]

U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist . . .
I can't believe it!!!!!


The US Navy today announced that
it has released a senior Al Qaeda
terrorist after questioning him
extensively for 27 days while being
held prisoner aboard a US aircraft
carrier in the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture, the
terrorist was given $50 US and a white
1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon
being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist
on his way home just after being
released by the Navy.

.
.
.
.
.

.
.

[DAWG]

Recon his GPS system will gwt him to where he is heading 

[Kal-Kevin]

I hear there is a parking spot right next to Davey Jones' locker! 

Kal

[BassHunter69]

bk ,and kk are on a serious roll here i'm loving this. hows that bass'in in korea bk? love that terrorist joke too funny.

[Kal-Kevin]

BassHunter you have not seen anything yet, wait till you find one of our real pick on thread around here, nothing is safe friend or foe! 

But thanks for enjoying my warped humor.   

kal

[BassHunter69]

i hear ya bro i hear ya bring it on 

[Kal-Kevin]

Here is one for the ladies!


Oil change instructions for women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
      Oil Change: $20.00
      Coffee:        $1.00
      Total:        $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter,
    kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8.) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
     Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. 
     Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.   
     Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
     Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
     tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between 
     knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
     Parts:                 $50.00
     DUI:                $2500.00
     Impound fee:       $75.00
     Bail:                $1500.00
     Beer:                  $20.00
     Total:             $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!   

[Bassinkorea]

 

[Bassinkorea]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogatemother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom arecrying and screaming.   
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gayfathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!" 
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his  !"