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[Fish_myster]

  yea right 
Honey I didn't remember a thing

[clubber]

Noah in 2008
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans'

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'

[clubber]

An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States.
A point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to
hold an election in the United States .

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer
who cant keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary
against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet
another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name
starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking
younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What, in Lords name, are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??

[Fish_myster]

  good  and pretty women is what I'm thinking works     

Good one Clubber

[clubber]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix
'-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up
'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is anunacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of  -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The
fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood
will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).  Don't try rugby - the South Africans
and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4:00 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.





God Save the Queen!

[ʇuǝɹq™]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
Wife looks over at him and asks the question...

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE : 'Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: 'sh*t.'

[Jared]

Family

A deacon and a bishop were having coffee one morning when they started talking;

Bishop:"Oh, Deacon, by the way, there is a dead donkey in front of the church"
Deacon:"So. Why are you telling me? Your ministry deals with the dead, not mine"
Bishop:"You're right Deacon but we always have to notify the next of kin"

[Izzy E.]

I just read this on another site,

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest  baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold that monkey!"

[ʇuǝɹq™]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless...
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter . They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

[Jared]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless...
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter . They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

Sounds like Fogy. He's from Minnesota and he just went to Florida. Did you write this joke just for him or is it a coinsidence?

[Swede]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:


'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

**************************

At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
tows.'

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action.'

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.'

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

**************************

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment.'

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

At the Electric Company

'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.'

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and
get fed up.'

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promise

[Bassinkorea]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out,

'Goodbye, Mom.'

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.

'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'

The clerk replied,
'Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.'

Moral of the story is...............

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[Swede]

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too
old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join
the military.

They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight,
they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able
to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds
think about "woops" every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about "woops" a couple of
times a day, leaving us more than
28,000 additional seconds per day to
concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to
be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I
can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We
are impatient and maybe letting us kill some
"such a nice guy"[/color] that desperately deserves it will
make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get
up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get
up early to pee so what the hell. Besides,
like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since
I'm already up, I may as well be up killing
some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.'

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans
because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.
We're used to getting screamed and
yelled at and we're used to soft food.

We've also developed an appreciation
for guns. We've been using them for years
as an excuse to get out of the
house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course,
however. I've been in combat and didn't see
a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over
the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of
energy too. I've never seen anyone out
run a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of
him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation
with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball
cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back
of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids
at home to learn a little more about life before
sending them off into harm's way. Let us
old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.

The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple
of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and
automatic weapons who know that their best
years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we
will have it secured the first night!

[Fish_myster]

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too
old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join
the military.

They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight,
they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able
to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds
think about "woops" every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about "woops" a couple of
times a day, leaving us more than
28,000 additional seconds per day to
concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to
be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I
can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We
are impatient and maybe letting us kill some
"such a nice guy"[/color] that desperately deserves it will
make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get
up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get
up early to pee so what the hell. Besides,
like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since
I'm already up, I may as well be up killing
some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.'

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans
because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.
We're used to getting screamed and
yelled at and we're used to soft food.

We've also developed an appreciation
for guns. We've been using them for years
as an excuse to get out of the
house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course,
however. I've been in combat and didn't see
a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over
the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of
energy too. I've never seen anyone out
run a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of
him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation
with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball
cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back
of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids
at home to learn a little more about life before
sending them off into harm's way. Let us
old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.

The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple
of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and
automatic weapons who know that their best
years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we
will have it secured the first night!

 
man that is so true.. 

[Big J]

The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple
of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and
automatic weapons who know that their best
years are already behind them.

That would be a site to see. 

[BIG PAPA]

"A man and a woman were sleeping like two innocent babies.
   Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
   The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled to the man 'OH NO. That must be my husband!'
  So the guy hopped out of the bed, scared and naked and jumped through the window. He smashed onto the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then bolted as fast as he could to his car.
  A couple of minutes later he returned, went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
  The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?!'
   And that folks.......is how the fight started."
 

[clubber]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
 
  store and play music.  The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,
  depending on cup and speaker size.
 
 
  This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are
  always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.

[Swede]

> BIKER STORY (Receives New York Times Best)
>
> A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl
> leaning into
> the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the
> cuff of her jacket
> and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
> eyes of her
> screaming parents.
>
> The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the
> lion square
> on the nose with a powerful punch.
> Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of
> the girl, and
> the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank
> him endlessly.
>
> A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.  He
> wanted to
> write about this heroic event.  The reporter approached the
> biker and
> says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing
> I saw a man do in
> my whole life."
>
> The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the
> lion was behind
> bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger, and reacted as
> most people
> would have."
>
> The reporter says, "I don't think most people
> would have.  Gosh, I loved
> it!  I'll make sure your wonderful deed won't go
> unnoticed.  I'm a
> journalist from the New York Times, you know, and
> tomorrow's paper will
> have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for
> a living and
> what political affiliation do you have?''
>
> The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a
> Republican."
>
> The journalist leaves without asking any other questions.
>
> The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to
> see if it
> indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front
> page:
>
> "U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS
> LUNCH"

 

[ʇuǝɹq™]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at
the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt!

[clubber]

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
 
 It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the
 Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
 
 People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
 his stuff.
 
 As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
 announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people  up here to
 be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
 audience.'
 
 The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
 beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
 
 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
 watch.  It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for  six
 generations.'
 
 He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
 quietly chanting,   'Watch the watch, watch the watch,
 watch the watch.'
 
 The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
 forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
 
 Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
 until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to The
 floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
 
 'Chit,' said the Hypnotist.
 It took three days to clean up the senior center...

[Jared]

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
 until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to The
 floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
 
 'Chit,' said the Hypnotist.
 It took three days to clean up the senior center...

  Haha good one Clubber.

[clubber]

You just gotta' love the south:

Don't you just love 'em . . .

 


Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off ?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry ?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back ?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry !"

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot !"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was ?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."           

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut ?"

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers ?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."

And this from South Carolina
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the north
 

[Big J]

"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the north
 

Amen, ain't that the truth

[clubber]

Probably the only true statement in those jokes Big J...

[clubber]

 Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them. Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall black man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

     "Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."

     "What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "Democrats" says Little Suzy. The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

     Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens.

     It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these "democrat" kittens.

     The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, PBS, and CNN.

     Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got outof his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. "Now don't be frightened, "
     he said, I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

     "Yes sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

     Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

     Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."