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[Bassinkorea]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
 

The old man replied, 'Yep, that's right, and none of us could get that damn jar open.'

[Swede]

 

[San Anto JCSr.]

          All Good 1's, Specially the Last 1      L8r. James,"VATO LOCO"<;({})>< 

[San Anto JCSr.]

POND SCUM

This is an Actual Article From a Clip I came across some time ago*
An Angler in Croatia, Slobodan Paparella, told Ananova.com last
week that he plans to sell his pet Irish Setter, Lipi,(not U Lip:), because the dog
makes him look bad in front of his buddies by jumping in the
water and catching more fish than he does. Accordingto Paparella,
the pooch is able to leap in and grab the fish in her jaws, including
a recent catch of a 15-pounder that had escaped from his line.
"The other fishermen were all laughing at me," the man told
the Web site. "I have no choice but to sell the dog because it
keeps humiliating me." Guess red snapper is off the menu. 
L8r. James,"VATO LOCO"<;({})>< 

[San Anto JCSr.]

In My House I'm The Boss
One Compadre visits the other Compadre & says: "Compadre how sad, I can't believe
that you don't wear the "pants" to run your house".  The other Compadre replies,
"Yes it's true Compadre".  Well look in my house, I'm The Boss, & when I say I'm hungry, I'm served food to eat, & when I say bring me some hot water, it's brought to
me immediately, &..."As to which the other Compadre asks him, "Say Compadre,
& why do you want hot water?  The Compadre replies, "Say Compadre, don't tell me that you wash the dishes with cold water..."  "VATO LOCO" 

[San Anto JCSr.]

Pedro tells Juan: I'm thinking of having a serious talk with my wife.
Juan says, Yea?  Pedro: Yea, I'm thinking that starting tomorrow we'll have to share in
the household expenses.  Juan: WOW!! You're a considerate husband.  Pedro:
No, what happens is I can't handle everything Alone!!!..."VATO LOCO" 

[San Anto JCSr.]

A Child at a Wedding:
Mama, Mama, why is the Bride dressed in White?  Well...
because it's the Happiest Day In Her Life.  Oh...So tell me,
Why is the Groom dressed in "Black"?..."VATO LOCO" 

[San Anto JCSr.]

A Duck went into a Pet-Shop & asked the man if he had any Duck food,
the man replied, No we don't sell Duck food!  The next day the Duck returned & asked the man if they had any Duck food?  The man again replied, NO. The third day the
Duck returned & asked the same ?, The man replied Furiously, "NO DUCK FOOD" &
don't come back anymore asking or I'll nail your feet to the floor.  The Fourth day
the Duck returned.  He asked the man if he had any nails?  The man said No, Do you have any Hammers, NO said the man,...Do you have any "Duck Food"?...
"VATO LOCO" 

[San Anto JCSr.]

There was a Blindman with his seeing Eye Dog, standing on
a corner waiting to cross the street.  Along came a man with his son.
As they approached the corner, the Father was telling his young son;
See that man on the corner with the dog?  He's Blind so he needs the
Dog to help him see & not get hurt or run into people or things.  The
Blindman was hearing the father's explanation to his son.  When they
stood next to him, the Blindman picked up the Dog by it's tail & swung
him around over his head a few times & then set the dog back on the
ground.  The Father was confused, so he asked the Blindman why he
did that?  The Blindman answered; Just taking a look around!..."VATO
LOCO" 

[San Anto JCSr.]

There were 5 Friends drinking at a Bar
The Skunk said, who's buying the next round, I only have a scent
on me.  The Duck said, I have a bill on me, but I can't break it. 
The Deer said, I had a Buck on me a while ago, but it's gonna take
some time to have a little Doe.  The Cow said, let an utter buy the
next round.  The Giraffe said,well I guess the High-Balls are on me...
"VATO LOCO" 

[clubber]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her
and
said,  'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
house
of
Prostitution and sometimes it says some
Pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any
way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her Living room and
waited
for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, New house, new
madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, But then thought
'that's
really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about
the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.  The bird

looked at him and said,
'Hi, Keith!'

[Bass Mafia]

  Good one Clubber!

[larrylargemouth]

  And that is how the fight started.

[clubber]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins take the literature out of the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement that reads:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.

Now , close your eyes and repeat out loud five times;   
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER,   
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB   
THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

 

 

 
 
 
 
 

[San Anto JCSr.]

clubber:      Good 1's  "Take Care" L8r. James,"VATO LOCO"<;({})>< 

[Swede]

 A  woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and  an anti-hunter,

purchased a piece of  timberland, near Grants Pass , OR .  There  was a

large tree on one of the highest points in  the tract.  She wanted a good

view of the  natural splendor of her land so she started to  climb the big

tree.  As she neared the  top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked

her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid  down the tree to the ground

and got many splinters  in her crotch.



In considerable pain,  she hurried to the nearest doctor.  She told  him she

was an environmentalist and an  anti-hunter and how she came to get all the

splinters.  The doctor listened to her story  with great patience and then

told her to go  into the examining room and he would see if  he could help

her.  She sat and waited  three hours before the doctor reappeared.   The

angry woman demanded, 'What took you so  long?'



He smiled and then told her,  'Well, I had to get permits from the

Environmental  Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the  Bureau of

Land Management before I could  remove old-growth timber from a recreational

area.   I'm sorry, but they turned me  down.'

[Swede]

>  ED AND DOROTHY
>
> Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over
> heels In 'Like' with her.
>
> But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to
> various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was
> convinced that it was true love.
>
> And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of
> them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the
> relationship would continue.
>
> "It's only fair to warn you , I'm a total golf
> nut, " Ed said to his newfound lady friend..
>
> " I eat, sleep and breathe golf , so if that's
> going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
>
> "Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: "Since
> we're being honest with each other, here goes....you
> need to know that I'm a hooker"
>
> "I see", Ed replied, looked down at the table,
> and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought...
>
> Then he added" You know, it's probably because
> you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee
> off. .

[clubber]

Now this is just Minnesota funny.
 

The  Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
   
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
   
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.
   
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M.with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
   
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
   
At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
   
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy
on him and see just how he is cheating."
   
The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish),  said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?"
   
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice

[Jared]

Now this is just Minnesota funny.
 

The  Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
   
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
   
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.
   
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M.with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
   
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
   
At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
   
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy
on him and see just how he is cheating."
   
The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish),  said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?"
   
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice

  Good thing I wasn't drinking anything carbonated when I read this. Good one Clubber. 

[clubber]

All of the Wal-Marts across Kentucky from Louisville to Lexington to Ashland sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Kentucky

[Swede]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Swede]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'I told you you should have written it down, where's my toast ?'

[clubber]

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!


Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight
years old and still drives her own
car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local
Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if
you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my
bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an

uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy
intersection, just lost in thought about the

Lord and how good he is, and I
didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have

noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind
started honking like crazy, and then he

leaned out of his window and
screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started
waving and smiling at all those loving

people. I even honked my horn a few times

to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida

back here because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with
only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the
back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone

from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even

he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in
the joy of the moment that they got out of their

cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church
I attended, but this is when I noticed the light

had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my

brothers and sisters, and drove on through
the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through

the intersection before the light changed again

and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian

good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Dug]

{ This one has been around the net for a while as an
inspirational piece, but some of you may not have seen the
addition at the end. }

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items
in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a
large empty jam jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks
about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jam jar
was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,
rolled into the open areas between the rocks.  He then asked the
students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The
students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is
your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your
partner, your health, your children - things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be
full.  The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small
stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for
the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention
to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner
out dancing.  There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." Take care of
the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students
and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a
glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces
within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is,
there is always room for a BEER.

[clubber]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.  She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk   
 
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. 
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.  So he knocked on the door to clarify the point

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
 
The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'   
 

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my boobs.  I can splash it on my face'.