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[GoneFishn]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogatemother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom arecrying and screaming.   
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gayfathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!" 
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his  !" 

  they was packing the babies pudd.It's like It's daddies for sureeeeeeeee.

[Bassinkorea]

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave them a choice of threeways to die:
 

1. To be shot
 

2. To be hung
 

3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
 

So the German said, 'Shoot me right in the head.' Boom, he was dead instantly.
 

Then the Italian said, 'Just hang me.' (Snap, he was dead.)
 

Then the Irishman said, 'Give me some of that AIDS stuff.'
 
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
 

Then the Irishman said, 'Give me another one of those shots,' so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, 'What is wrong with you?'
 

The Irishman replied, 'You guys are so f***in' stupid...I'm wearing a condom.'

[Bassinkorea]

 Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 
2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 
3) Families are like fudge. mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you 
once got from a roller coaster. 
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:  
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 
3) You are Santa Claus. 
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. 
At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license. 
At age 35 success is . . having money. 
At age 50 success is . . having money. 
At age 70 success is . .. .. having a drivers license. 
At age 75 success is . . having friends. 
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

[K-Dub]

Holy crap!  I am Santa Claus!   

[BassHunter69]

Holy crap!  I am Santa Claus!   

  i'm a 38 year old version of santa clause 

[Lipripper]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.


'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.


'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.


'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'



You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Lipripper]

A Photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California 's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.
When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the pho tographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is you're NOT my flight instructor?"

[Lipripper]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up & he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday. "
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school & at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year & write a letter to God & tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room & sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year & I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter & started over.


LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year & I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter & started again.


LETTER 3:


Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs & told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church & up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt & ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, & up to his room. He shut the door to his room & sat down with a piece of paper & a pen & wrote his letter to God.

LETTER 4:


Dear God:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

[WhereDaBassAt?]

just makin it easy to find this thread cuz you ppl crack me up..

[docav]

this is a good one. doug

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
 
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't listen.
 
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and
threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the
  out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago".

[Swede]

Lawn Mower Sale

         A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

         "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

         The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

         The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

         The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss.. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

         The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

[imp81318]

[Swede]

A FISH STORY
                 
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
                 
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"  The kid says
"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi ." Well, the boss liked the kid and
gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and
see how you did."
                 
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.  "How many customers bought something
from you today?  The kid says, "one".
                 
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"  The kid says "$121,237.65".
The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"
                 
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium
fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he  said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.  Then he said
he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4  Expedition."
                 
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?"  The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go
fishing."

[mary dean]

No1 - Rectum Stretcher
While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I
Should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side
With a radar gun laying in wait. He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and
With that classic patronising gait we all know about, asked......
"What's your hurry?"
"I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher."
"A what?! A rectum stretcher?! And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two
Fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to
Side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the
Rectum, until it's about 6 feet."

"And just what do you do with a six-foot "such a nice guy"[/color]?"

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00
Look on cop's face......Priceless

[mary dean]

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The
artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the
rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the
barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she
tells him, "This is the one..... right here." Terribly impressed by
what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
"Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very
confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away,
and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants
on..."

[clubber]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a

loud pounding on the door.



The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the

morning."



He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is

pouring rain outside!"



His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when

we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should

help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes

out into the pouring rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[BIG PAPA]

 
Camp

The Lone Ranger and  Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
 
Some hours later,  Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what  you see?"
 
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
 
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are  millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me  Saturn is in   Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
 
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,  you dumb  ass.  Someone has stolen tent".

[Bassinkorea]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Bassinkorea]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties."

"You think that's bad" said the other husband, "Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her  that says: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

 

[Bassinkorea]

NEW RULES TO A HEALTHIER LIFE

Eat right!
 
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
 
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
 
Walk for at least an hour a day.
 
go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
 
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with  alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......
 
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona. (fruit) 
Celery in my Bloody Mary. (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio. (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh. (eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
 
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
 
My mother always said,
"A shot in the glass is better than one in the  "

[BassHunter69]

  BK

[Bassinkorea]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the heck are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Dave, wake up you drunken  , you've chit the bed.

[Bassinkorea]

Pay attention to the last line of each paragraph, they are running our country 


We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on
the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and
said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."  I responded that 1/2 was
larger than 1/4.  He said, "NO, it's not."  Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.


I live in a semi rural area.   We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here!!!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore."
From Kingman, Kansas


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce.  "He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce."   
From Kansas City.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." 
From Birmingham, Alabama.


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.  She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"  She is a probation officer.
From Wichita, KS


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker; she was leaving the
company due to "downsizing."  Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
fun.  We should do this more often."  Not another word was spoken.  We
all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced
to the technician, "its open!!!  " His reply, "I know.  I already got
that side."
At the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

STAY ALERT!!!!!!!  They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE!!!!!!!

[clubber]

 Three Horse ~

 A man asked an old Indian what his wife was called.
 He replied "She called three-horse".

 The man said "That's an unsual name for your wife".

 "What does it mean"?

 The indian answered...
 "It old Indian name.
 it mean....... nag, nag, nag"!

[clubber]

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to tell it to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.  Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.  Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.  This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! 

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.