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[BIG PAPA]

 


 
 




 
Colonoscopy

 


 All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
 trying to decide who was the one in charge.





"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
"Because I run al l the body's systems,
 so without me nothing would happen."


 

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over
 so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
 Because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever
 it needs to go."


 

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
 where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the! rectum   
 "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

 


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
 And insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.
 

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
 and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?


The "such a nice guy"[/color] is usually in charge !!
 
 

[BIG PAPA]

It has finally come to this

 I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help
Hotline.
 I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan.
 I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
 They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could
drive a truck or fly an airplane....
 

[ScottWV]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

[Bassinkorea]

A man had a terrible golf problem, so he went to the club pro for some lessons.

Well, what should I do?", asked the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's member."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!--

the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, Take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.."

[BassHunter69]

The 1st Divorce directly related to the spet 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in new york. it appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the world trade center spent his morning at his girlfriends apt with his phone turned off. he wasnt watching tv nor listening to the radio. when he turned his phone back on it rang imediatly. it was his hysterical wife, "where are you?" He said, "what do you mean ? i'm in my office of course!"

[clubber]

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

 He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

 The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."

 The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

 The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

 The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."

 The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

 The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

 The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and Said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to Speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

 The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

 The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow. "

[scatch1]

Clinton haters at it again.

[clubber]

You betcha!!!!!

[BassHunter69]

hahahaha clubber 

[PiscMonkey]

hehehe and Bush haters!

[Skeeter180]

Yep, we Clinton haters are alive and well. 

[pretjah]

Clinton haters at it again.

who doesn't hate hillary?

heck 90% of the democrats i know (i'm a right leaning libertarian myself)  hope she dies....the other 10% don't want her to die but don't want her to be president either... B-)

[Fish_myster]

hehehe and Bush haters!

But I like Bush 

[Swede]

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big; I cant wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. Ever since that night, we never had any problems.'Hmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So... On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said, 'Karen, here, try these on.' She tried them on and said 'These are too big; they don't fit.' Mike said 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike and said, 'Try mine on.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly, and if you don't change your smart ass attitude you neve r will.' They lived happily ever after.

[BassHunter69]

  swede

[Davew]

Here is mine

hope you like


  The Dam


 

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.


A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.


The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.


We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run,Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of na tures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.


 
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The D epartment's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as th e beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS

[Bassinkorea]

That was dam funny 

[clubber]

An atheist was walking through the woods. 
"What majestic trees!" 
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.  He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. 
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
        The bear froze.
                The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.  "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?" 
The atheist looked directly into the lightand said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[Bassinkorea]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod?  This is  Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you?  Is there a problem?"
 
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."
 
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
 
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
 
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
 
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
 
"Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?"
 
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
 
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
 
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
 
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
 
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
 
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
 
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
 
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
 
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
 
"What the heck?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
 
"Yes, Senor Rod."
 
"But there's electricity at the house!!  What was the candle for?"
 
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
 
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
 
"Your wife's, Senor Rod.  She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club."
 
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE..........
 
 
 
 
 

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep chit!!"

[clubber]

Ramblings of an old mind!!

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can't afford one.  So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box,  they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say,  "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'   I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do.. write to these men?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?   Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me,  I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

[scatch1]

good read.

[Bass Mafia]

Osama Bin Laden

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.  Suddenly a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said:  "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
 
Osama responded "you ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog!  Don't you know who I am?  I don't need any common woman giving me anything."  The shocked Genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
 
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning.  So just do it and be off with you.
 
The annoyed Genie said "So be it!" and disappeared.
 
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side.
 
His "thingy" was gone, his knees were broken and he had no health insurance.
 
God is Good.

[clubber]

  A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since
he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
>
>         Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of
its socket toward the man.
>
>         He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
>
>         'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye
back in place.
>
>         'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for
your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
>
>         They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they
go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares
her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
>
>         After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
>
>         They have a wonderful, wonderful time.   
>
>         The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been
SO incredible!
>
>         'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet? '
>
>         'No,' she replies. . . . .   
>
>
>               
>             
>
>       'You just happened to catch my eye.'
>

[clubber]

 While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
>> by a truck and dies.
>>
>>
>>
>> His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
>> there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
>> see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
>>
>>
>>
>> "No problem, just let me in," says the man.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
>> is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
>> where to spend eternity."
>>
>>
>>
>> "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
>> senator.
>>
>>
>>
>> "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
>>
>>
>>
>> And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
>> down, down, down to hell.
>>
>>
>>
>> The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
>> course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are
>> all
>> his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
>>
>>
>>
>> Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
>> shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
>> rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and
>> then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
>>
>>
>>
>> Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
>> a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
>> that
>> before he realizes it, it is time to go.
>>
>>
>>
>> Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
>> rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
>> where
>> St Peter is waiting for him.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Now it's time to visit heaven."
>>
>>
>>
>> So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
>> souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have
>> a
>> good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
>> Peter returns.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
>> choose your eternity."
>>
>>
>>
>> The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
>> never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think
>> I
>> would be better off in hell."
>>
>>
>>
>> So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
>> down to hell.
>>
>>
>>
>> Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
>> barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
>> dressed
>> in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
>> falls from above.
>>
>>
>>
>> The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
>>
>>
>>
>> "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
>> and there was a golf course and club house, and we ate lobster and
>> caviar,
>> drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
>> wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
>>
>>
>>
>> "Yesterday we were campaigning......
>>
>>
>>
>> Today you voted."

[Bassinkorea]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for it.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."