Coping!

Started by Bretts_daddy, September 01, 2017, 02:44:40 PM

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Bretts_daddy

Hello all,

I can't seem to find the right words to speak aloud so I'll try to express myself in type. I reconnected with my Dad about 7 years ago after him not being in my life or even part of it for my first 37 years. What brought about our reconnection was the birth of my son and the subsequent deaths of my Grandfather (who raised me and was my father for all intents and purposes for most my life) and my wife's father that same year. We figured our son only had 1 Grandfather left so we initiated contact through my Dad's brother (now my Uncle) who lives where we do here in Vermont as my Dad lives in Pennsylvania. My Dad was receptive and wanted to meet so we called and chatted with him and my stepmom and made the first of many trips to PA to visit. Unfortunately my Dad was paying for the sins of his youth full of smoking and drinking and chewing tobacco as he had a 4-way bypass and jaw cancer that made it so he could not eat through his mouth and instead has to feed himself through a tube in his stomach and oh yeah, his lungs filled up with fluid and he would have to be "bronched" to clear them out every other week and on top of that diabetes is the icing on the poor health cake. It was bittersweet, meeting my Dad after all these years but him not being able to do much and be practically house-bound. Despite all of this the meeting went well, he was happy to meet his son after all these years and was overjoyed that he had a Grandson (he and my stepmom never had any children). We would go down to visit twice each year, once in the Spring and once at Thanksgiving. The first couple of years he was able to go out on the town once in awhile and we went to Cabelas in Hamburg, PA and a few other places which was good as he was an outdoorsman all his life and enjoyed turkey hunting and especially fishing (in fact when they lived in Plattsburgh, NY he even had his own guide service). One of my fondest memories was the time he took me and my son fishing and at 3 1/2 years old my son caught his very first fish from a private pond of a friend of my Dad's...a Bluegill. As the years went by my Dad would have his good days and some not so good days, his hospital visits became more frequent. We never did get a chance to go fishing with him again :'(. My son grew to love his Papa and would look forward to visiting each time we went down. One of the first things he'd do each time we got there was to run in and give his Papa a big hug and tell him he loved him. My stepmom said despite all of his health problems every time he thought of his Grandson he would light up with a smile and his eyes would get a sparkle in them. We would call Papa and Gramma almost on a weekly basis and chat about everything from the weather to what wildlife he saw out in his yard (he loved to feed the turkey's and the deer) to my sons latest adventure in school or elsewhere and especially when we went fishing he'd always ask how we did and what we caught. He was super proud of his Grandson finishing 2nd in his first fishing derby this Spring and had a replica of his biggest fish made. Fast forward to the present, I just got a call last week from my stepmom saying that she came home from work to find my Dad almost unconscious and barely breathing. She called 911 and he spent last weekend in the hospital. She told me that she thought he was going to meet Jesus that night but he battled back and got out of the hospital and came home Monday. Unfortunately his respite was short lived and my stepmom called me and said that he had taken a turn for the worse and this was the worst she has ever seen him but by some miracle a day later I was able to speak to him and we chatted like old times and when we said good-bye I told him how much we all loved him and he said he loved us all too. The next day when I called he was much worse and my stepmom told me that they had talked about everything at length and both of them had made peace with what was happening, my Dad said he doesn't want to go back to the hospital again and that he has fought so hard and for so long...much longer than any doctor ever thought was possible and he's just tired and wants to rest and stop fighting and that he's ready to meet the Lord. I told my stepmom that we wanted to see him one last time before he goes and we were all set to go down tonight after work but I spoke to my stepmom this morning and she said he had a really rough night and that she didn't want to tell us what to do but she said she didn't think my young 6 year old son should see his Papa in this condition and that he should remember him the way he used to be. My son of course wants to go wherever me and my wife go so we couldn't go down without him or he'd be very upset, my wife offered to stay home with him and I could go myself if I wanted to but in my current state of mind i don't think driving 8 hours on a freeway would be a good idea. I have a perfect memory of him playing r/c cars with my son on their kitchen floor this Spring when we went down, my son was laughing and my Dad had a big ol' grin on his face from ear to ear as if he was a kid too :). I don't want to go down and see my Dad in agony and crying for God to take him like my stepmom said he's been doing...I saw my Grandfather suffer at the end and it ripped my heart out...I just can't go through that again with my Dad. I want my last memory of him to be that one from this Spring playing with his Grandson. It's so unfair, it seems like just yesterday that we first met him and now he's going to be gone before my son loses his 2nd tooth :'(. The only way I can look at it is to be thankful and cherish the time we did get to spend with him, that my son got to know and love his Grandfather and that I got to reconnect and enjoy loving my Dad and him loving me before he passed. I hope I've made the right decision by not going down to see him one last time...that will probably haunt me but I think remembering him the way he was this Spring when he was still mobile and happy is the way I want to always remember him for the rest of my life!!!
The only stupid question is the one you don't ask!

No matter how much we know about fishing there is always more to learn!

rockchalk06

#1
If you do not have to see the man in the shape he's in now, I would recommend against it. My dad went from working the street to completely bedridden on hospice in less than two weeks. I took care of him for about 6 months. When he finally passed (a year later) it was not something that I could ever get out of my head.

I wake up at night to him screaming for me to end it all. Not a day goes by that I can forgot what I've seen and had to do to help my father. This was a man who lead a proud and honorable 29 career as a cop, father and community leader. The look in his eyes when I was taking care of him is something that keeps me up at night a lot. I had so many questions, thoughts and things I wanted to say that I never did. We said our peace and I left. I knew he was going to pass soon and we both had accepted it. That said, I'd give everything I own up for 5 more minutes with him regardless of what shape he was in.

My advice is to think long and hard about it. Please do not let your son see him in that shape. My father made me promise to not bring my son to see him or to the funeral. If you have said your peace to each other and can let him go without needing to say anything else, then you have your answer.

If you feel you have more to say, you should have left before you typed that post.

Prayers my brother.

Lipripper

Thanks for sharing your story with us and will for sure keep all of y'all in my prayers. It's best to remember the good times with your Dad and it sounds like he is ready to go home.

Kats Rule And Bass Drool.Viet Nam Vet

Bretts_daddy

Just an update, I ended up going down to see my Dad last weekend. My wife convinced me that seeing him in his current condition wasn't going to erase any memories of him that I have and that the one thing we can never get back is time, I couldn't wait until he passed and wished i had gone to see him one last time and that I would regret not doing it so we went. He was never really there when we were sitting around him, he opened his eyes a couple of times but they were glazed over and you could tell that he most likely didn't see much if anything. He asked about their dog and my stepmom lifted their little dog up onto his bed and she licked his hands and he was able to pet her which made him smile. He also asked for a sip of coffee a couple of times but my stepmom didn't want to let him drink too much to cause him any pain so she was going to soak a swab in coffee and swab his lips with it to at least give him a taste. At the last end before we left I reached down and kissed him on the forhead and told him I loved him and he smiled a great big smile and that right there was worth our trip down. My wife did the same and he smiled for her too. I didn't let my young son come in too close but i let him stand at the edge of the living room and just told him to talk to Papa from there and he spoke clearly and told his Papa that he loved him. All I've told him is that Papa is very sick and sleeps a lot. Once he passes I'll have to explain death to him but for now ignorance is bliss as far as he's concerned. Even though my Dad was really only a part of my life for 7 short years I'll never forget him! I will always love him...he's my Dad!!!
The only stupid question is the one you don't ask!

No matter how much we know about fishing there is always more to learn!

SteelHorseCowboy

My son was introduced to death at 4, when his first great grandfather (my dad's dad) passed away. Then he was reacquainted a few months later when the second one (my mom's dad if you didn't guess) passed. That man meant about the same to me as yours did to you, and my son loved him like crazy. Then again, less than a year later when his great grandmother passed (my dad's side again).
A schoolmate in the first grade. Again last year (kid had a brain tumor). A cousin he was close to.

Now my dad has leukemia. Not bad for treatment, but bad enough he has to be monitored constantly for if/when he will need treatment.

Death happens to us all. Personally, I'm looking forward to it, but I'm definitely in no hurry!
I definitely miss those who go, and I've lost more than my share. Folks will miss me when I'm gone, some may be thankful. Pretty sure my ex wife will come to my funeral just to make sure.
It's natural. It sucks. But it's natural.
Why do I look forward to it? The peace.