Laughter is the Best Medicine (Mature Content Possible)

[BIG PAPA]

The year is 1850
Do you know what happened in California~this week~back in 1850~157 years
ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
                                                              So
basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real
breasts and the men didn't hold hands

[Fish_myster]

good one papa 
 

[Bassinkorea]

Teeth Down There

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of
the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little
boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son
sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she
shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy
quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get
bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have
teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night,
while her parents are out of town, she invites him over.After an hour of
making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a
little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?"
she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down
there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."  With that, she
pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says.. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth
down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her
legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there.."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[Bassinkorea]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront him about his missing $10 million, the bookkeeper brings along his attorney,  who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin  Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[super ron]

Teeth down there

That was just wrong.

[scatch1]

all good. believe it or not,one day i read every joke.keep them coming. a smile or laugh is priceless. life is too short.

[Bassinkorea]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. 
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99


Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:....! . The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**it artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of sea-men.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Bassinkorea]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[clubber]

Mothers showing pictures of their sons.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21.
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Bass Mafia]

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "I think he's having a baby!"

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said
accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced."We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does t o me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just . .. .

Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me."Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie : Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs
 
 

[Bassinkorea]

Fifteen reasons why men have two dogs and not two wives:

 
1 The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

 
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 
4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.


7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
 

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

 
14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

 
And last, but not least...

 
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[BIG PAPA]

Mothers showing pictures of their sons.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21.
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[mary dean]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

 

[Fish_myster]

 
Butt who's looking. 

[bassfishing4]

Good one Mary.........

[clubber]

U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist -

I can't believe it!

 
 
The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea

 
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
 
 
The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.


 
 

[Fish_myster]

NOW THAT'S FUNNY CLUBBER!
Wish we could really do this without people freaking out. 

[weirdlittleman]

the scary part of this   is lip and kal kevin could read this   









Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

[PiscMonkey]

the scary part of this   is lip and kal kevin could read this  









Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

I cdolu erda it iwth esae expet hte wolr afetr cluod.   

[clubber]

You are right Fish_mystery, if we were to do that to any terrorists. The most anti-American organization in excistence would be up in arms. The A.C.L.U.    - the organization that is a bigger threat to freedom than anybody.