Laughter is the Best Medicine (Mature Content Possible)

[PiscMonkey]

Yes I do actually.   

You     you! 

[clubber]

 KIDS IN CHURCH

 3-year-old Reese:
 "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A little boy was overheard praying:
 "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied,  "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 One particular four-year-old prayed,  "And forgive us our trash baskets
 as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,  "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  One bright little girl replied,  "Because people are sleeping."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,  "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
 ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A father was at the beach with his children  when the four-year-old son ran up to him,  grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.  "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old
daughter and said,  "Would you like to say the blessing?"  "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.  "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
 The daughter bowed her head and said,  "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[clubber]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high
and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on
the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's'
a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No chit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch
Pianist?!"

[PiscMonkey]

 

[-Shawn-]

 

[BIG PAPA]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
>
> The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the?body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black
suit he is already wearing.
>
> The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his?best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives
the?Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
>
>
> The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
> ?
> She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied.?You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?"
>
> To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check. "There's no charge," she says.
>
> "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.
>
> "Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
>
> "So I just switched the heads."

[MChapman]

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER
BE THERE!!"
The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out
to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

[Bass Mafia]

         

[pretjah]

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER
BE THERE!!"
The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out
to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

OHHH MY GOODNESSSSS  that is one of the funniest things i've rea in a very very very long time!!!!

[Bass Mafia]

OHHH MY GOODNESSSSS  that is one of the funniest things i've read in a very very very long time!!!!

Me too... here's what Rick looked like, before he went missing:

[Fish_myster]

that was funny there.....wait till i use that one on the wife 

[-Shawn-]

 

[Skeeter180]

That is funny right there!!  My anniversary was yesterday.   

[MChapman]

A woman hires a renovation contractor to install a new wall in her house.
Upon completion, the contractor asks for the bill to be paid. " Okay, that will be $1,000 cash, as ageed".

The woman, chagrined and embarrased, says she really cannot afford it as several expenses had unexpectedly popped up.

"Look lady", says the contractor, " I likes ya, but I don't work fer free - pay me my $1,000 or I'll have to remove the partition.

Looking at the contractor demurely, she turns on her charm, " well, how about I offer you something else ya big stud, something even better... like me?"

The contractor considers her for a moment, and then shrugs and says, "sure".

Off to the sack they go. Twenty-five Kama Sutra positions later, the contractor casually rolls her over onto her back and inserts his index finger in her butt, and his thumb in her Gazaz, massaging gently.

"Ooooh", she moans.. " that feels soooo good!"

The contractor then leans close to her ear and whispers: " okay, now .... pay me my $1,000, or I'll remove the partition."

[BIG PAPA]

Bobbitt Family Update
Â


In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ....
?

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A Misdewiener!
 
 

[Swede]

CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT! 
 
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
 
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
 
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
 
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

[still learnin]

Not a bad idea   

[pretjah]

CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT! 
 
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
 
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
 
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
 
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

AMEN!!!!!
lol editted not the place for political talk!!! lol

[imp81318]

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a  .........

[Lipripper]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he
tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop, right on his twitchylittle
nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip
over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right,"replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind ofanimal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a
dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
" The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine
him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of
an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls ...You must be a politician.....