Laughter is the Best Medicine (Mature Content Possible)

[Swede]

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?  What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[Bass Mafia]

  good one!

[Bassinkorea]

THE RETIREMENT HOME

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home.

As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

[Bassinkorea]

Jewish Divorce


A New York judge is presiding over the divorce  proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been  signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge  and says, "now I have to arrange for a  Ghet."

The judge inquires what she means by a  Ghet.

So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious  ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive  a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The  judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a circumcision  Bris?"

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this  case you get rid of the entire  "woops"."

[pegleg]

March 6, 1836



On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on

the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.







William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already.







The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards? them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said,







"Are we having concrete poured today?"
 
 

[Bassinkorea]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street
and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with
nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he
arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks
" Why in the world are you dressed like this? "

The Cowboy says,
" Well it's like this Sheriff .... I was in the bar down
the road and this pretty little red head asks me to
go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me
to pull off my shirt....so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off
my pants....so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off
my shorts....so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of "s@#y" and says,
" Now go to town cowboy... ".

So here I am.

Son of a gun. Blond men do exist.

[Swede]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are y ou seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going lose!

[pretjah]

inhonor of  the NFL season starting here are some football jokes


The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.



******
 A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, "No."
Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."



******
 After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


******


Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"
the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

******
Q - what has 8 eyes 8 leges and an IQ of 14???
A - 4 baltimore fans watching a football game

Q: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.



******
A Steelers fan was walking on the beach when he noticed a gold lantern, he picked it up and rubbed it, then suddenly a Geannie appeared wearing a Tim Couch jeresy. The Geannie told the steelers fan he had three wishes, but whatever he wished the Browns fans around the world would recieve double the wish. The steelers fan thought long and hard, he then began his wishes, he asked for a million dollars, Poof a million dollars, the Geannie laughed and pronounced every browns fan is now a millionarie. Then the steelers fan wished for a beautiful blond for a wife. Poof, a beautiful wife. The Geannie began laughing again and said "now every browns fan has two blonds for wives". The steelers fan repeated the Geannie and said "browns fan get doudle what I wish for"? "Yes" the Geannie said laughing hysterically. Then the steelers fan said "fine I wish to be beaten half to death!"

******
There was a Brown's fan, a Steelers fan, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.

The Steelers fan went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.

The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.

The Browns fan went next. They asked him if he had any last words.

"I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better."

*******
Today in class all of the kids are going to tell there teacher what their dads do for a living. Well, little Bobby went first. My dads a doctor and makes lots of money. Next was little Billy. My dads a lawyer and he also makes lots of money. Now it was little Timmy's turn but he just sat there and said nothing. His teacher was like Timmy tell us what your dad does. Nah, I don't want to. Come on Timmy, be apart of the class. Well, OK... my dad is a gay stripper for a gay strip club at night, dances on men's laps and sometimes he will go in the ally and have "woops" with them for extra money. Right away the teacher changed the subject and told the kids to go to recess. She told Timmy to come here and she asked him why he said that. I am embarrassed of what my dad does for a living. Yes, but what could be worse than what you just said. He's a Browns fan. Oh, Timmy... I am so sorry!!!

[BIG PAPA]

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp each holding a
sign.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of
money to spend.  Carlos only brings in $2-3.00/ day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every
day.  Jose responds, "Look at your sign.  It says, 'I have no work,
a wife &
six kids to support!'"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.  It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to
move
back to Mexico !"

[Bassinkorea]

Bob walked into a bar around 9:58 PM; sat down next to a blonde at the bar, and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." 

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." 

Bob took the money.

[scatch1]

Its all good.

[Bassinkorea]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.

[Swede]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH


A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated 
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
 is galvanized when she hears one of them say the  following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! 

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed "woops" obsessed pig,"  she retorted indignantly.

 "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our "woops"  lives.


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta "woops"? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell  'Mississippi'."

[PiscMonkey]

 

[mary dean]

LITTLE BOY AT THE NUDE BEACH
 A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is. "Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[-Shawn-]

 

[cmegee]

FUNNY

[Fish_myster]

i must be the  dumb

[scatch1]

Believe it or not, I have read every joke.

[AJ]

mary u bad