Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible)

[Kal-Kevin]

BassHunter you have not seen anything yet, wait till you find one of our real pick on thread around here, nothing is safe friend or foe! 

But thanks for enjoying my warped humor.   

kal

[BassHunter69]

i hear ya bro i hear ya bring it on 

[Kal-Kevin]

Here is one for the ladies!


Oil change instructions for women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
      Oil Change: $20.00
      Coffee:        $1.00
      Total:        $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter,
    kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8.) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
     Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. 
     Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.   
     Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
     Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
     tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between 
     knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
     Parts:                 $50.00
     DUI:                $2500.00
     Impound fee:       $75.00
     Bail:                $1500.00
     Beer:                  $20.00
     Total:             $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!   

[Bassinkorea]

 

[Bassinkorea]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogatemother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom arecrying and screaming.   
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gayfathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!" 
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his  !" 

[GoneFishn]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogatemother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom arecrying and screaming.   
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gayfathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!" 
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his  !" 

  they was packing the babies pudd.It's like It's daddies for sureeeeeeeee.

[Bassinkorea]

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave them a choice of threeways to die:
 

1. To be shot
 

2. To be hung
 

3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
 

So the German said, 'Shoot me right in the head.' Boom, he was dead instantly.
 

Then the Italian said, 'Just hang me.' (Snap, he was dead.)
 

Then the Irishman said, 'Give me some of that AIDS stuff.'
 
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
 

Then the Irishman said, 'Give me another one of those shots,' so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, 'What is wrong with you?'
 

The Irishman replied, 'You guys are so f***in' stupid...I'm wearing a condom.'

[Bassinkorea]

 Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 
2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 
3) Families are like fudge. mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you 
once got from a roller coaster. 
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:  
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 
3) You are Santa Claus. 
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. 
At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license. 
At age 35 success is . . having money. 
At age 50 success is . . having money. 
At age 70 success is . .. .. having a drivers license. 
At age 75 success is . . having friends. 
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

[K-Dub]

Holy crap!  I am Santa Claus!   

[BassHunter69]

Holy crap!  I am Santa Claus!   

  i'm a 38 year old version of santa clause 

[Lipripper]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.


'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.


'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.


'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'



You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Lipripper]

A Photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California 's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.
When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the pho tographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is you're NOT my flight instructor?"

[Lipripper]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up & he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday. "
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school & at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year & write a letter to God & tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room & sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year & I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter & started over.


LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year & I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter & started again.


LETTER 3:


Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs & told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church & up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt & ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, & up to his room. He shut the door to his room & sat down with a piece of paper & a pen & wrote his letter to God.

LETTER 4:


Dear God:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

[WhereDaBassAt?]

just makin it easy to find this thread cuz you ppl crack me up..

[docav]

this is a good one. doug

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
 
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't listen.
 
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and
threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the
  out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago".

[Swede]

Lawn Mower Sale

         A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

         "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

         The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

         The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

         The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss.. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

         The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

[imp81318]

[Swede]

A FISH STORY
                 
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
                 
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"  The kid says
"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi ." Well, the boss liked the kid and
gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and
see how you did."
                 
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.  "How many customers bought something
from you today?  The kid says, "one".
                 
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"  The kid says "$121,237.65".
The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"
                 
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium
fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he  said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.  Then he said
he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4  Expedition."
                 
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?"  The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go
fishing."

[mary dean]

No1 - Rectum Stretcher
While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I
Should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side
With a radar gun laying in wait. He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and
With that classic patronising gait we all know about, asked......
"What's your hurry?"
"I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher."
"A what?! A rectum stretcher?! And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two
Fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to
Side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the
Rectum, until it's about 6 feet."

"And just what do you do with a six-foot "such a nice guy"[/color]?"

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00
Look on cop's face......Priceless

[mary dean]

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The
artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the
rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the
barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she
tells him, "This is the one..... right here." Terribly impressed by
what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
"Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very
confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away,
and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants
on..."