Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible)

[clubber]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a

loud pounding on the door.



The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the

morning."



He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is

pouring rain outside!"



His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when

we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should

help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes

out into the pouring rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[BIG PAPA]

 
Camp

The Lone Ranger and  Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
 
Some hours later,  Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what  you see?"
 
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
 
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are  millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me  Saturn is in   Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
 
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,  you dumb  ass.  Someone has stolen tent".

[Bassinkorea]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Bassinkorea]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties."

"You think that's bad" said the other husband, "Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her  that says: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

 

[Bassinkorea]

NEW RULES TO A HEALTHIER LIFE

Eat right!
 
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
 
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
 
Walk for at least an hour a day.
 
go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
 
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with  alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......
 
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona. (fruit) 
Celery in my Bloody Mary. (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio. (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh. (eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
 
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
 
My mother always said,
"A shot in the glass is better than one in the  "

[BassHunter69]

  BK

[Bassinkorea]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the heck are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Dave, wake up you drunken  , you've chit the bed.

[Bassinkorea]

Pay attention to the last line of each paragraph, they are running our country 


We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on
the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and
said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."  I responded that 1/2 was
larger than 1/4.  He said, "NO, it's not."  Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.


I live in a semi rural area.   We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here!!!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore."
From Kingman, Kansas


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce.  "He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce."   
From Kansas City.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." 
From Birmingham, Alabama.


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.  She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"  She is a probation officer.
From Wichita, KS


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker; she was leaving the
company due to "downsizing."  Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
fun.  We should do this more often."  Not another word was spoken.  We
all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced
to the technician, "its open!!!  " His reply, "I know.  I already got
that side."
At the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

STAY ALERT!!!!!!!  They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE!!!!!!!

[clubber]

 Three Horse ~

 A man asked an old Indian what his wife was called.
 He replied "She called three-horse".

 The man said "That's an unsual name for your wife".

 "What does it mean"?

 The indian answered...
 "It old Indian name.
 it mean....... nag, nag, nag"!

[clubber]

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to tell it to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.  Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.  Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.  This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! 

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[BassHunter69]

  thanks for the history lesson clubber 

[Bassinkorea]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here"

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have  a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that chit again, you're in my closet now."
 

[BIG PAPA]

dialed a number and got the following recording: 
 
"I am not available right now, but 
Thank you for caring enough to call. 
I am making some changes in my life. 
Please leave a message after the 
Beep. If I do not return your call, 
You are one of the changes." 
~~~~~ 
 
Aspire to inspire before you expire. 
~~~~~ 
I LOVE THIS NEXT ONE! 
My wife and I had words, 
But I didn't get to use mine. 
~~~~~ 
 
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. 
~~~~~ 
 
Blessed are those who can give without remembering 
And take without forgetting. 
~~~~~ 
 
The irony of life is that, by the time 
You're old enough to know your way 
Around, you're not going anywhere. 
~~~~~ 
 
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think 
Of an answer for her first question. 
~~~~~ 
 
I was always taught to respect my elders, 
But it keeps getting harder to find one. 
~~~~~ 
 
Every morning is the dawn 
of a new error. 
~~~~~ 
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: 
 
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is
a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

[clubber]

A successful rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was determined to
keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay
and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks the two of them worked
hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass
of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she
said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each
gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned
it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling
hands did as he was told and dropped it to
the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're
fired!"

[Bassinkorea]

Australian Bricklayer's Accident Report



Possibly the funniest story in a long while.  This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.



This is a true story.  Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.



Dear Sir,



I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.  I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.



I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.


Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.



Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.  You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.  Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel,
which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.  This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.  Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.


Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.  At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.  I refer you
again to my weight.



As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.


Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.


I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.  This explains the two
broken legs.

[clubber]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
>> An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
>> The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
>> their old neighborhood after they retired.
>>
>> Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
>> It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
>> where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
>>
>> On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
>> practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
>> sure what to do with it, they took it home.
>> There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
>>
>> Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
>>
>> Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid
>> it in their attic.
>>
>> The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for
>> the money, and knock on the door.
>> "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored
>> car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
>>
>> Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
>>
>> Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
>>
>> The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
>> One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
>>
>> Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
>> yesterday . . "
>>
>> The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
>>

[Bassinkorea]

There was a man who really took care of his body.

He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tanned all over except his "thingie".

So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his thingie, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

She said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it".

"When I  was 30, I enjoyed it".

"When I was 40, I asked for it".

"When I was 50, I paid for it".

"When I was 60, I prayed for it".

"When I was 70, I forgot about it".

"Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach, and I'm too old to  squat!".
 

[Bassinkorea]

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M &M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb  !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[BassHunter69]

  Bk 

[BIG PAPA]

> My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my
> first appointment with a new dentist.
>
> I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
> remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been
> in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy
> that I had a secret crush on way back then?
>
> Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This
> balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
> have been my classmate.
>
> After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park
> High School.
>
> 'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
>
> 'When did you graduate?' I asked.
>
> 'In 1965,' he replied. 'Why do you ask?'
>
> 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
>
> He looked at me closely ... and then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat
> ass, grey-haired decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'What did you teach?'
>