Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible)

[bowfin48]

Two guys were talking to each other, one of the guys asks" What did you do for your wife for your twentyfifth anniversary?" to which the other replied " I took her to Europe."  Geez, no wonder my wife is always complaining about my not doing anything for her, Well what do you think you might do for your fiftieth anniversary?" the other man replied " I might bring her back."

[clubber]

DOCTOR DAVE HAD SLEPT WITH ONE OF HIS PATIENTS AND FELT GUILTY ALL DAY LONG.  NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TRIED TO FORGET ABOUT IT, HE COULDN'T.  THE GUILT AND SENSE OF BETRAYAL WAS OVERWHELMING.


BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE HE'D HEAR AN INTERNAL, REASSURING VOICE IN HIS HEAD THAT SAID:  DAVE, DON'T CRY ABOUT IT.  YOU AREN'T THE FIRST MEDICAL PRACTITIONER TO SLEEP WITH ONE OF THEIR PATIENTS AND YOU WON'T BE THE LAST.  AND YOU'RE SINGLE.  JUST LET IT GO."

BUT INVARIABLY ANOTHER VOICE IN HIS HEAD WOULD BRING HIM BACK TO REALITY, WHISPERING...

DAVE..............
DAVE..............
DAVE..........

....YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN.

 

[Swede]

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

[San Anto JCSr.]

L8r. James,"VATO LOCO"<;({})>< 

[clubber]

I think this has been posted here before, but at election time it bears repeating!!



History 101



For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.



Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.



And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

[Swede]

Incident at Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.


A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
 
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
 
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
 
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
 
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
 
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

[left_turn56]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new Husband and asked

for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking

encounter. In His highly aroused state,

her husband readily agreed.



This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.



Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of cor porate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere re near what
He'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for "woops",
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what yo u
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!'


That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

[Kal-Kevin]

Well since the husband got shot and it is a good place to start a new thread I'm going to start one now!

Please if you got a new one add it to our new thread

Laughter is the Best Medicine 3 (Mature Content Possible)

Kal