Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible)

[Lipripper]

8 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
 
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
5. Loud Sigh:  This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
 
8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[BassHunter69]

  Lip  How true 

[BIG PAPA]

An 85 yr old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his
physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".
 
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "well Doc, its
like
this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then tried with
my
left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help.  She
tried
with her right hand, then her left hand, still nothing.  She tried
with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then without her teeth, still
nothing.
 
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between
her knees, but still nothing.
 
The doctor was shocked!  You asked your neighbor??
 
The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open!

[PiscMonkey]

Knew what that was from the start!     

[Swede]

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
 
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.' You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.

[PiscMonkey]

    

[BIG PAPA]

> An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of test,
> the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
>
> Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
> latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
> with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
> rational.
>
> In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
> bed sheets, and threw them out of the hospital window.
>
> A drunk was walking by the hospital when hte sheets landed on him. He
> started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
> the unknown thing off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
> pile at his feet.
>
> As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
> sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
> and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the
> heck is going on here?"
>
> The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amzement, replied,
> "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost".
>
> Happy Halloween.

[clubber]

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on
> scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
>
> They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If
> I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump
> off this building."
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get
> Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
>
> The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna
> sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
>
> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
> cabbage and jumped to his death.
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito and jumped too.
>
> The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death
> as well.
>
> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known
> how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have
> given it to him again!"
>
> The Mexican's wife also wept and said,  "I could have given him tacos
or
> enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
>
> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. She said,
> "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch!"

[clubber]

BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentucky, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.He does not have a " BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2.?He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE."

[Lipripper]

Good One's clubber 

What's Your SOUTHERN Birth Sign?

Some folks (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are "Southern" symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra's have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius . Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
you have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or ... maybe not...

POSSUM (Apr 21 -May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22- June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 -July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 -Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart; although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can, go somewhere where they have all these things that serve you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pullover and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 23)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 24 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

[BassHunter69]

hahaha clubber and lipper thanks guys that made my day

[ScottWV]

BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentucky, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

I prefer "HillWilliam"

Ok, here's my first joke post ...

Eddie the head was born with no body, no arms and no legs. All he had was a head. But despite this major birth defect his parents still loved him very much. So on his sixteenth birthday his parents found a doctor that could surgically give Eddie a body. When the parents got home they couldn't wait to tell him that he could finally have a body and be like other normal people. They go home really excited and say "Have we got a surprise for you. It's the best present ever!" and Eddie says "Oh no, not another hat!"

[Lipripper]

  not bad for your first joke 

[clubber]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know
> >each other so well, they decided to get married.
> >
> >One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
> >
> >The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom
> >was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
> >
> >After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and
> >said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
> >
> >
> >
> >'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
> >
> >
> >Are you ready for this?
> >Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
> >
> >.....................................
> >Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
> >Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
> >...little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> >Sounds to me like she's ...... !
> >......been .....sweeping around!!!

[pete s.]

The Pastor's Ass

 The pastor entered his donkey in a race
 and it won.
 The pastor was so pleased with the
 donkey that he entered it in the
 Race again, and it won again.

 The local paper read:

 PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

 The Bishop was so upset with this kind
 of publicity that he ordered
 The pastor not to enter the donkey in another
 race.

 The next day, the local paper headline
 read:
 BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

 This was too much for the bishop, so he
 ordered the pastor to get
 Rid of the donkey.

 The pastor decided to give it to a nun
 in a nearby convent.
 The local paper, hearing of the news ,
 posted the following headline
 The next day:
 NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

 The bishop fainted.
 He informed the nun that she would have
 to get rid of the donkey, so
 She sold it to a farmer for $10.
 The next day the paper read:

 NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

 This was too much for the bishop, so he
 ordered the nun to buy back
 The donkey and lead it to the plains where it
 could run wild.
 The next day the
 headlines read:

 NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

 The bishop was buried the next day.

 ................

[BIG PAPA]

 


 
 




 
Colonoscopy

 


 All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
 trying to decide who was the one in charge.





"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
"Because I run al l the body's systems,
 so without me nothing would happen."


 

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over
 so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
 Because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever
 it needs to go."


 

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
 where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the! rectum   
 "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

 


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
 And insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.
 

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
 and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?


The "such a nice guy"[/color] is usually in charge !!
 
 

[BIG PAPA]

It has finally come to this

 I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help
Hotline.
 I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan.
 I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
 They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could
drive a truck or fly an airplane....
 

[ScottWV]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

[Bassinkorea]

A man had a terrible golf problem, so he went to the club pro for some lessons.

Well, what should I do?", asked the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's member."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!--

the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, Take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.."

[BassHunter69]

The 1st Divorce directly related to the spet 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in new york. it appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the world trade center spent his morning at his girlfriends apt with his phone turned off. he wasnt watching tv nor listening to the radio. when he turned his phone back on it rang imediatly. it was his hysterical wife, "where are you?" He said, "what do you mean ? i'm in my office of course!"